I appreciate all of me…now

I am 25 days away from my 50th birthday!!!!!!!!  Can I even get you to understand how excited I am about this milestone???  Heck no because sadly everyone doesn’t accept turning 50 well.  Not sure why, but I am as the saying goes these days I am living my best life.  I have done a few things for the first time in my life during this time, although my actual 50th year hasn’t started YET technically but I am taking the YEAR (started in January) to embrace it all.  I have allowed myself to be free.  Unencumbered by the prison I held myself captive in.  I’m now free to change my hair color because I am in fact not too dark for a blondish color.  I am free to eat caviar because you can’t really not like something you haven’t tried.  I am free to do some self maintenance that hurts for a little bit but the end result is smooth and like new.  I am free to be okay with a few extra pounds and buying the damn shoes and certainly eating the cake damnit!!!  I am free to love myself, my children, my spouse and my friends in the way that only I can love.  My spirit is strong and I am not afraid to say what needs to be said anymore.  Sorry, not sorry.  I am FREE!!!!  Just to be me and for that I am grateful.  Grateful to the people who stuck by me while I went through all the ups and downs of a potential failing marriage, bad ass kids, and growing pains of figuring out my own life.  I am grateful for the pain that I have endured, to learn that in order to grow you must experience growing pains.  I am grateful for the tears that I have shed because in order to grow you must cleanse your soul.  I am grateful for the heartache I have endured as it has taught me that pain don’t last always and that our hearts are more resilient than we thought.  I am grateful for the knowledge that comes from that dark place where you have to claw your way out of or give in to the darkness with no hope and remain sullen and miserable for the rest of your life. 

I am here with a purpose, vigor and resilience to ride out the next 50 years (if the Lord says the same) kicking ass and taking names.  Yes, to live my best life until the good Lord calls me home.  Wasted too much time already crying over silly shit and spilled milk.  Reclaiming my time and that time is now.  I appreciate my biggest fan – ME.  

 

 

 

Sisterhood: Is it real when it’s not on Social Media??

Sister, my sister. My friend, my confidante, my ride or die, my keeper of secrets, my sharer of dreams. Why can’t we love each other or so it seems.

Photo by Dazzle Jam on Pexels.com

You do know there is room for both of us to be great don’t you? We can both shine together my sister.

The hood of sisters goes beyond just those women we are born siblings to. I am talking about your tried and true circle of friends, that may include a birth sister however, not exclusive to that.

These are the women that have passed the ranks from acquaintance, associate, friend now Sisterhood. Everyone does not make the cut. For when the bar is raised from friend to Sister, you have to show that you are worthy of that title. A fish out of water will surely drown.

This sisterhood is plagued however by the same things that kill any relationship. Jealousy, lack of trust, selfishness and ulterior motives. Why is that though…why can’t we all just get along? We don’t want to, are we jealous, do we hate each other for real? No, not at all.

Then what the problem is? You tell me…why can’t we get along in real life? I mean we were all team pearls and chucks for the 1st VP that looks like us but why not any random Tuesday. Why are we so afraid to hold each other up and clap for each other. Unfortunately this is a rhetorcial question. There is no real answer.

I am not going to say that its always easy to support each other because we know that would be a whole lie. Some of us can be diffuclt I will not take that away, we can be and are sometimes bitter about life, and ourselves but does that mean we don’t deserve to shine? Not at all. It is my firm belief that we all can grow better together. There is room enough for us all to shine. We should all be willing to work together on this journey called life, while lifting each other up and straightening each other’s crowns.

Reflections of Christmas

As I sat in my house, listening to the quiet I thought back to last Christmas and how so very much had changed since then.

Not that long ago but yet at least 365 days ago my life was in a totally different place. I was in a space that was sad, dark and full of turmoil yet I knew that it was ending soon and the anxiety behind it all was overshelming.

2020 in and of itself has been a turmoltous year and varing aspects for everyone. However, if we do a personal inventory some of us will never be the same because of 2020. Loss of loved ones, incomes, things and people (so called friends.)

Relationships, being friends or lovers are hard enough without a pandemic. Some couple learned things about themselves and their spouces through this. Some of them made it and some didn’t it. I was ahead of the curve on this one and by grace, made some changes that would not follow me into 2020 and thankful for that.

Back to Christmas, which is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. I would say that a lot of people didn’t agree with that this year. If we think about what Christmas really means though, it was still in it’s own way for some wonderful and joyus. Those that dared still did what they wanted to do with whom they wanted to do it with. It ain’t our business. Others of us learned the art of Zoom calls and put that work in on Facetime, we made it work. Pictures were shared, texts and calls were given.

My personal reflection was part of a conversation with a dear friend.

I am a survivor of many things. I am a fighter but I hurt deeply. I can’t control what others do but I can control how I react. I have people that love me and for that I am greatly grateful. I am strong but sensitive and that’s ok. I am an over everything er (think, love, worry etc.) and that too is ok. I am beautiful and I’m funny. I am sexy fully clothed and I am uniquely and wonderfully made.

Why is that my Christmas reflection? Great question, thanks for asking. That is the best reflection of the greatest gifts I have given to myself. To be ok with not being ok, and it’s ok. To love myself in all my quirks, weirdness and in my skin as it is currently formed (weight loss and gain, can’t see without readers, still not as tall as I want but hey).

The best gift we can give are the ones we give to ourselves in allowing ourselves to be the best of ourselves unapologetically. No matter what that looks like for you. Ending or beginning friendships or other relationships, staying always true to ourselves in our feelings and in being true. Loving ourselves first by practing forgiveness to ourselves THEN extending to others (as applicable), saying how you feel, and not being afraid to speak your mind (it may start an argument or a very clear discussion, either way it needs to happen).

Lastly the gift of being thankful for each day as that is a gift from the most High and that is a gift not be taken for granted.

The flip side of Thanksgiving

November 26, 2020 Thanksgiving. One we will certainly not forget. In thinking while doing yard work the day after, I thought I am thankful for some things that were not good things. They were good at the end but they were not feel good moments.

I am thankful for the attempts and failures of relationships. The willingness to put yourself in a situation that you’ve been in before and it didn’t go so well. You put on your big girl or boy britches and attempt this relationship situation yet again…and yet again you get let down, disappointed, hurt and you know…on and on and on. However, in this scenario, its not for your lack of communication or confidence willingness to go outside of your comfort zone, this man or woman is just not good for you. Whether it be their lack of honesty or communication or lack thereof, the situation was just not going to work for you.

Guess what…be thankful that mess fell apart. They lied and misrepresented who they were and what they were about. You wanted to to work so you took signs thought to be the universe speaking to you while, that message was not yours…you skipped the one for you because what you thought was supposed to be. They lied about everything that was supposed to or going to happen…only to Michael Jackson moonwalk right out of your life. Be thankful as that was not yours to have. You dodged a bullet and for that be thankful.

I am thankful for 2020 and all that came with it (in a sense). Now 2020 ain’t been nobody’s friend but with all that we may think we lost (outside of actual deaths) we have or should have maybe gained some things. Insight on who we are and who is really down with us. Whether it was due to finding yourself in those quiet moments when as we quarantined there was nobody with you and you got in touch with your inner you…the you you don’t wanna deal with cause she or he causes you to really reflect and think on things that you wouldn’t if you were busy…in them streets. Thankful for the stillness…the moments of uncertainty because in those moments you have to….HAVE TO FIGURE IT OUT!!!!

It’s just you…you are the question and answer. YOU are the only one that can work on this as you are alone with YOURself. Thankful for the anxiety (hear me out) because I (this one is all me) had to put all those hours of therapy into play,. Talking out loud, in the mirror or not to see if this was a real issue or one that my head was making worse. The anxiety that had me stir crazy inside but fearful to go outside. The anxiety that made my chest hurt and on the verge of tears…for no good reason. It was in those times, and moments and spaces that I had to be patient and counselor. Now I could phone a friend, or make a virtual appointment but it was not necessary…because sometimes we just need to be still. Talk it out…think about all the logistics of the situation and then BREATHE!!!! Sounds simple…it’s not but anxiety will have you on the roof for no good reason…Thankful for the know how to work out whats a real problem versus the 5011 made up ones and still, still just to be sure call a friend and make sure even if it doesn’t make sense to them you are not too far gone. Thankful for friends that listen and talk and cry and let you be while keeping you sane.

Thankful for not being able to go out. Now this one is give and take as we found the grocery store, Target and or Walmart a social outing,..being safe and careful…we may have realized that being out can be overpriced, overrated and over exaggerated. Not being a super social butterfly had it’s disadvantages and advantages alike. During this 2020 though you realized that you can live and sit at home and it’s okay,. We all took our chances on what we wanted to do, safely or otherwise but that’s called life. It’s yours to live so go head with your bad self. Thankful for realizing that just cause it’s open don’t mean you gotta go…and you will be okay.

Thankful for not being married. Now this one is a doozy. I can’t imagine what it would have been like to be cooped up in a space with someone you didn’t like and who didn’t like you. Not being able to be anywhere but with them…and yall ain’t even speaking…Lawd have all the mercy. Nope, nope and NOPE. Thankful for saying enough is enough when it was said, and that things kinda just worked out the way they did in January before things got hot and heavy with the pandemic. I heard that a lot of relationships didn’t withstand the pandemic and while that is sad (for some not for all) it was just what was needed to see or realize that what you thought this thing was it was NOT!!! Going through the motions only last but for so long. Thankful for not having to live though an already failed situation with nowhere to go.

I don’t like you no mo

Thankful for high blood pressure. I was 203 at the beginning of December 2019. I also had become diagnosed with high blood pressure. I was not happy. I was stressed, but didn’t put headaches with high blood pressure. So again, pandemic, just me, ain’t going out…let’s get a bike. I hate the bike…HATE HER!!!! I made myself every day….30 minutes minimum get on it…eating better (a little) but moving more. Standing while I work, moving my feet, dancing or whatever…dropped some weight. Not off the meds yet but while quite a few folks packed on the pandemic poundage I was able to go the other way. Thankful that I decided to work on myself just for myself.

Get it get it

Things that we could or can be in a funk about, mad about, hurt about…can also be thankful moments of clarity, joy and rebirth. I am thankful for all the pain and hurt that 2020 has brought me as I know that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be and that life goes on. I am still here and despite the efforts of those that lied, misrepresented themselves and sought to cause harm….I rise and I rise higher,.

The flip side of thanksgiving…where that which doesn’t kill you certainly makes you stronger, wiser and better and thankful.

Sir, Please leave her alone!

so look, it’s simple

If you don’t intend to be all that you said you were going to be

Leave her alone!

If you had ample time and all of the information yet you still had reservations.

LEAVE HER ALONE

Don’t hurt someone unnecessarily just

Leave her alone!!

Life is hard enough and full of ____________ fill it in for yourself. There is enough pain going on so let’s not cause more than what’s needed

If you ain’t ready (YES I SAID AIN’T) LEAVE HER ALONE

If you are scared of what could, should or would be. Leave her alone.

If it seems like it would cause a detriment you don’t want your name attached to

Leave her alone!

do it with style and class not being a jackass. That ain’t cool either

If being faithful or exclusive is a foreign concept for you

Leave her alone.

If she only wants and loves you and you alone but you want your cake and eat it to…

Leave her alone.

Let people be great in whatever manner that is but if your plan doesn’t involve making her greater or better, loving harder or vibrating her higher than for the love of God

PLEASE LEVE HER THE HELL ALONE!

The End Of Level 51

….it’s time to start something NEW

Oh my GAWD!!!! What a year of transformation Level 51 was for me.

In May of 2019, I realized that my marriage of 20 years had run it’s course. I got my first bone fracture last June. Got to wear a boot…don’t recommend that if you can avoid it. I got to live in a house with a man that would not even talk to me, and as a kicker, I slept in the same bed with him from September until he moved in January 2020. Next I had to figure out how to live as a single female. Biggest lesson was how to be ok with just being me, not a mom, or wife or an anything just little ole Andrea Latrice.

Then winter 2020, Ms. CaRona D. Virus came along and taught me how to be ok with not being ok. It’s one thing to be in the house because you want to be but it’s an entirely different situation when you are in the house because your life just might depend on it. To be just you and the walls. There are only so many walls to wash, bottles to craft or pages to colors. After a while it can all become too much. You then appreciate more the awesomeness of your therapist and the crew you have in your life that check on you. Whew Lawd….and it’s ONLY JULY!!

Life is never boring when you are trying to do what’s good for you and what’s deemed as right. There are twists and turns, much like a rollercoaster. Your heart races, your stomach drops and when that moment is over, you question; Do I want to go another round? To say no means you go home always wondering if the second round would be just as interesting as the first, or say yes and realize that hell, the second go was just as stomach curling as the first and I didn’t enjoy it any more. Here’s the kicker…until you die, you are on a constant ride of some sort. Sometimes it’s just the merry go round…the scene stays the same and you just go up and down and round and round. Then you have the Star Level Costers from all the parks in the land and you are tossed, turned, flipped around, thrown backwards and come to some hard abrupt stops. In between those two extremes are the mediocre rides that stop, start, go fast then stop, and right before it gets going…it slows to a halt and your time on THIS ride is over. Remember, there are more rides to ride…whether you want to or not.

So as I write this, memoir to be ever reminded of just another hurdle that I yet got over I have a few take aways.

1. Get over yourself Andrea. Thats just a note to me.

2. Your past is behind you. You must move forward. What has been done has been done. You can’t change the past but you damn sure can participate in the narrative of your future.

3. Let people love you. You are not damaged. You are a person who has been hurt and that hurt has made you as you are. However, you are allowed to change, grow and move out of the comfort of the pain that has held you captive. You are love…let love come to you.

4. You are special to at least a few people. Let that marinate in your spirit. Folks actually like you, despite what your haters say. As long as you have haters it means you are doing something right…however small. Keep that shit up.

5. Your children are great people and you are partly responsible for that. That is something to truly be proud of.

6. Your presence in the lives of those that care about you is not a mistake.

7. Quit being so quick to speak against yourself. Deal with your feelings. You are allowed to be hurt but you can’t be so damn sensitive AND not willing to discuss it. Almost messed up a great relationship. Stop that Shit!!!

8. Stop expecting yourself from others. You can’t make people react the way you wan’t them to and you can’t get mad when they don’t.

9. No matter the shitty things that have happened to you you are like the lotus flower that grows out of the mud because you continue to fight. It’s not always pretty but you push through and keep going in spite of and for that you are a winner.

10. Laughter is so good for the soul. My soul has been blessed by and with folks that make me laugh. I was told that it was their job to make me laugh. Job well done.

…the smallest glimmer of hope

SHE LIVES

I was inspired to pen this…it hit me. Love still grows even when things look bleak. This flower, didn’t ask for me to buy it…and certainly didn’t ask for me to neglect her for 4 days. I got back and she was done…or was she.? I felt bad…I took her down and took off the clearly dead pieces. There was still some green and I said maybe, just maybe…there is hope. So I watered her, and put her near some flower friends because I strongly believe that those that live can give life to those who are not so hopeful. I looked and yes a flower…a single bloom.

Love is what it does

That bloom is so powerful in my life right now. It yells that yes I am alive…I feel and I appreciated the love and the sun and life of those around me and not only did I push past the ease of death, I am vibrant and I yet live …STILL!! Sure some days look bleak and blue and angry with storms and wild winds blowing…destroying everything in its path…but to look on the horizon…a glimmer of light..the future…it’s all it’s glory…for me. Life…to strive, grow, love, be unapologetically ME!

That bloom is me…Andrea Latrice. I been though the shits man, and when I tell you checking out was on my mind…well, I hadn’t come up with a plan but hell, it had to be the way to go. Stopping my pain, being selfish to the pain it would be for those left behind. Here I stand DAMNIT!! HERE. I. STAND. Like this single bloom…because of love of family (all my friends are family) because of the Sun and the Son, because of the endless unbeknownst to them that do it…push to keep going.

Today is one of those days where I am full. So many things and nothing at this particular moment is responsible for this mood if that makes sense. Some days you just know that your life matters, that someone is still here because of YOU!!! The moments where even if you all alone you are so full of love for everyone. That day is not by happenstance. It’s the realization even subconsciously that YOU, yes YOU are still on the quest to live a most wonderful life and that despite the evils that have befallen you, you are victorious over those that tried to keep you down.

I shed tears…as I write, even when I thought of this writing I cried…these are tears of needless weight…holding on to things because they were comfortable feelings even though they were negative…Today I am free. I release myself from the prison of failed relationships and pain. I am free from my own thoughts of not being enough or adequate. Fuck you that wish harm upon me. You are rebuked and dismissed. You have no power over me…Kick rocks with your face!!

…In this moment she knew that she was on the right path

I had to share, well I didn’t have to but I wanted to. I am learning to share things that just might help someone…if only one is touched or helped by the things I do, then I have done a good thing.

Be love not just today but everyday…there is someone still here because of YOU!!!! For our lives are not our own…we are here for each other.

It’s just so much…too much too much!!!!!

This will be a writing of emotions and thoughts. I may be losing the punctuation because I just want to write how I feel what I feel as I feel it.

My mind is all over the freaking place, sad, unsure, anxious, hurt, annoyed, pissed the entire fuck off!!! There is so much going on in this year of sight 2020. What a fucking year. Husband moved out (this needed to happen and I initiated it and that’s been the highlight so far – it is what it is), Corona and now riots. Corona, COVID 19, the year 2020 all of that so far has been the perfect storm. Shit is everywhere, nothing makes sense people are dying in astronomical numbers. Currently black lives matter is in week 3 of protest after the killing of George Floyd and countless others. We are tired of being sick and tired. When will this all end. There has to be a better way. Those three events hold a lifetime of emotions that are way beyond what should be acceptable in just 6 months. Life comes at you fast, I get it but damnit. Life is a full amusement park of emotions. The ones that make you just go round and round, others that have you kinda of sick from all the spinning and then the rollercoasters that take you way up high and drop your ass so fast you don’t have the time to scream and by the time the ride is over you have either decided to never ride that fucker again, or you are running in line because now you are chasing a high that you enjoyed way too much.

Anxiety and depression are the most unexplainable two situations I have ever had to deal with. I know how I feel, but you can’t explain that to someone who doesn’t have those evil twins because it’s not a regular feeling to explain. Even in that definition someone won’t get it. Hell I don’t get it and it’s my own shit. Relationships (friendships) are hard, you miss people you shouldn’t, you want people sometimes you can’t have, or you just need some mind blowing nasty sex and there is no one to scratch that itch for you – now we have frustration and irritableness to add to our fucked up stew. Yes, this is all me. Understand that I know this is me, I have a therapist and psychiatrist and I still have moments, weeks, episodes that I am spiraling out of control. I’m not NOT functioning, I’m not NOT getting out of bed or going out (as Covid restrictions allow) but I am still getting up going to work or working from home (those days are hard) I am eating, not drinking too much hell I even started to exercise. This is beyond an experience but I still keep keeping on. Even, get this shit, still having the wherewithal to encourage someone else. Now wait…the blind leading the blind…one might say. I just don’t know…it’s all a bit of a cluster and the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be a fake planted by Wiley Coyote.

I figured if I wrote all this down it would stop the riots by the purple minions in my head. They are running a muck for sure. There are fires, tears, a stack of turned over furniture and copious amounts of screaming. All the while, I am maintaining whatever sense of “normalcy” I need to to survive to live another day. I craft, I write, I do diamond dots puzzles and play word games….yet, YET…sometimes its still not enough to quiet the “crazy” (that’s what I call it). Some nights I’m in bed before 8 or 9. I’m sleepy (or I guess that could be those bouts where the depression makes me tap out early) and I can’t keep my eyes open any longer. That’s ok though right? I mean hell I’m almost 52 and if I want to go to bed then damnit I’ll go to bed and sleep the night away…SLEEP…my forever foe.

Wow, I started this in June and never finished or published which makes this even better. Since the beginning of this particular blog…not much has changed. We are still in the decade year 2020. Presidential debates…vice presidential debate ..”I’m Speaking” and the infamous fly. The crazy is some better and I’ve lost 26 pounds. Life is still an interesting turn of events. People are weird and can be so rude and inconsiderate. Leave people alone if you have no intention on treating them right. Be honest at a minimum and let them decide if they want the program you are offering. Geeze!!! Assholes.

People are going through things we may never be aware of…be kind. I mean really kind. Love harder and more. Be a better friend than ever before because what I know to be true of my friends is that they are real people, they hurt, they get scared, they cry and when I am privy to those emotions I help them with that…I cry a lot sometimes for the pains shared with me cause I hurt with and for them…I help them with their pain. That’s how I see it. They don’t have to share their lives but when they do it’s my responsibility to be there for them in whatever way they need me to be. Just today at time of this blog….one friend has had a life changing situation, one friend over thought herself into a tizzy yesterday for an appointment, my own heart which seems to be held together with packing tape and 8 bubble gums…its working and open and that is a major plus.

Here’s to going through the rest of this decade year unscathed as much as possible. Let’s all stay prayed up, liquored up…whatever means you need to make it though December 31…if you need to be friend-ed up…I got you.

I Know I did the right thing…right??

You asked for it and got it….but is it truly what you want.? Better question is what took you so damn long?

Life has a strange way of dealing with the things you think you want or ask for. The saying goes be careful what you put out into the universe because it listens. Does it ever. Relationships are their own freak show and you are never quite sure how it’s going to all play out. If you are like me, you talk to yourself and go over multiple case scenarios in your head. I used to do them in a mirror with the facial expressions and all. As I’ve grown, I don’t need the mirror any more cause the facial expressions don’t really matter. Did you hear what I said and do you understand it – that’s all it comes down to at this point. Look crazy if you want to, I said what I said!

So, the long and short of the story is I actually had to grow a large pair of balls in order to make a life altering move that kind of took us all by surprise. When life hands you lemons you have a few options:

1. Make lemonade

2. Make tequila

3. Throw them hard enough to give them a nice hickey on their forehead or a broken nose.

Those may not be exact quotes but you get what I’m saying. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, despite the naysayers. One must live their life for THEM. Let me say that again for the people in the back. PEOPLE HAVE TO LIVE THEIR OWN BEST DAMN LIFE! However, only you can decide when enough is enough. When you get tired of the shit show, you will then be at the point of growth, moving forward into your own time. That part…that’s the hard part.

I mean let’s think about it. All of our lives we are at some time or another taking order or being bossed around by somebody. Then we go and get married. That’s a fine how do you do. Why does this make sense? I’ll tell you why, cause it doesn’t. Not even one little bit. Before I go any further I will tell you that I might be a tad, lets say not bitter but ok maybe bitter but it’s a valid bitterness and I own it. Albeit, relationships especially marriage makes you look at shit sideways and for good, no not good, but GREAT reasons.

Follow me here:

You meet this guy and shit seems to good to be true (it is)

You see obvious signs that indicate that some behaviors may be problematic; ie. he’s a hoe, a fine ass, military man nasty ass HOE!!! (RED FLAGS – LIKE FIRE RED) (you ignore them)

You date for 3 years and some how or another he didn’t realize it had been that long nor did he have any immediate plans to marry you (should have gone then) (RED FLAGS STILL SIMMERING) He finally asks you to marry him…oh but wait…before the marriage there were issues. Dude, what is going on here (yet, you pretend not to see the big ass writing on the damn wall)

You marry only to realize that the first 7 years of your marriage have included several other people, one which almost cost you your damn job (what happened to the 10 year itch?) (and again you should have left) (RED FLAGS SCREAMING)

So because you never learned or figured out how to handle marriage in any form (although this was your third one) you go to therapy but you are still broken on the inside. You are still pain stricken and not understanding (cause his reason is bullshit) and per the therapist there really is no answer to why his penis wound up in another woman’s vagina for several years…(insert side eye and bullshit again).. All along you are in a spiral that is going into the proverbial rabbit hole; however it takes YEARS for this to come full circle.

You then decide to repay the hurt that was bestowed upon you, and boom (you just killed his childhood dog) but, when he did it to you, he tells you to get over it. Now it’s your turn to get over it (doesn’t work so well does it) yet there are no winners in this situation. So much hurt and pain…but yet…you still didn’t leave (what is it going to take). Oh the universe said just wait honey I’m not done with you yet.

Mind you this relationship spanned a time period of 20 plus years. Sadly, once the math was done, the realization was that most of this marriage was not of substantial good times. It was made to look good on the surface (hate that it was put out into the social media-verse) but at the time, despite the fact that the shit was underlying shitty we were “ok”.

So you carry on this way and you know that it will come to an end (as it should have a long ass time ago) you are just not sure when, how, nor what will be the straw to break the proverbial camels back. It’s amazing how blind we can choose to be when it suits our needs. Fallen into a sea of red and still determined to be oblivious to the warning signs, signals and situations that are screaming for us to GET OUT…yet, we close our eyes and succumb to the belief that things are not as bad as we know that they are.

We carry on, and we keep pushing and then as if it’s your birthday, something turns in the universe and BAM!!! The door to freedom is opened. It doesn’t matter that the way it came about makes no freaking ass kinda sense, we are kicking that door open with both feet and running the hell out of here. Like it was my job to go,. and go I did. To leave in the emotional sense is greater than the physical for various reasons. Once you check out emotionally, you are good; as long as you don’t check back in – more lessons to learn even in leaving. Check out and do not under any circumstances allow yourself to get sucked back in. That’s when the fight starts.

Feelings are tricky little boogers. You get caught up on things you removed yourself from…so you say. It’s a set up, it’s not quite done yet; there is more to come and from this you will grow and learn so much more about who you ARE and have been this entire time. Needless to say, I have learned I am not what someone else’s opinion of me says I am. Screw you buddy. I will not succumb to your belittlement anymore. I am free from your microscope, your insecurities and your whorish ways. Yes, I am free and I intend to stay that way.

You asked if I could leave right now and be okay, my answer to both of our amazement was yes. WE never saw that coming…yet here we are. The lack of trying even if you were pretending to want to work this shit out, showed me a great deal about how you actually felt…you were okay with my decision, you just gotta act like it hurt. Boy BYE!! As things transpire and manifest, I find out that I”m only good for sex as it beats jacking off (puns intended). Well that’s a kick in the face ain’t it. So that’s the nail in the coffin. We can’t do nothing othe than live here in the same space until you go. Wishing that it moves faster doesn’t help.

In conclusion, what have we learned? Oooo, oooo..pick me I know!!! We have learned that red flags are not to be ignored. You cannot make another full grown ass human not be insecure if the basis of that insecurity has notthing to do with you (lessons learned too late but learned). We have learned that loving yourself is far more important than staying in a toxic marriage or hell any relationship just because you’ve done it for 20/30/40 years…that’s not good math. GET OUT!!! Nobody can tell you what works for you because they don’t see what’s going on behind closed doors. It’s scary what people want or suggest you subject yourself to for looks. Fuck that…me looking amazing single beats looking lousy married.

Red flags, don’t lie. Trust your instincts and by all means, if it look like a skunk, smell like a skunk. its a damn skunk…RUN!!!!

distance nor space

We are here together, finally. So, what happens next? There is inital shyness on my part, of course now it’s time to pay the piper. We are now in the atmosphere that we set via text messages and pictures. Now there is nothing much left to do, either put up or shut up…We stare intently into each others eyes, looking, reaching for the depths of each others souls. Researching for that one thing that makes this all ok. The confirmation that after today, things will still be status quo. Lines are being crossed, willingly however, never to return to the way it was – ready to take it on full force – no longer held by any distance nor space. We were never sure that this moment would actually transpire as we had the misfortunes of poor timing on our side, or was it more that we knew that if we had been logistically closer things would already be far different. The fragrances of endorpines and longing lust wafts gently through the air, the sought after passion is finally coming to a head, no longer separated by distance or space. I step away to freshen myself, essentially just gathering my thoughts and steadying my nerves, as I was birthday ready under this coat. No need for distratction as this moment had been orchestrated just so and time was of the essence. I join you on the bed, straddling you just so that we are face to face, chest to chest, and I inhale you. I smell your hair, your face, and progress downward, just to take in the fullness of your scent. I am wet, I return to your face. I take it in my hands and I lock your gaze, felling you grow against me, I want you but I resist, I will make it worth the wait. I kiss your lips, oh my gawd, they are as soft as I imagined. I kiss them again, softly and I allow myself to get lost in the kiss. It’s divine and I will never be the same. I am super wet now and I am not sure how much more I can stand, but I have to do just one more thing. I start the slow deliberate decent down this beautiful scultped work of art, with kisses and nibbles. As I near the money spot, the love muscle, help me baby Jesus. It’s even more beautiful than I could ever imagine. I look at it in awe…then I embrace it with my hands and take in in my mouth. I love it as if it were my life’s work to be here for this moment, this purpose…as you moan softly under my teasing. I suck you gently but with enough passion to make your toes curl. You grab my hips and flip me over, but I say no. I want to continue where I was you agree but only for a moment as you don’t wish to cum yet, but soon. I take you in again this time allowing you the opportunity to speak to what’s inside the polka dots, with the ease of Sunday morning your tongue reaches the spot that has been only imaging what this moment would bring. The guttural sounds that escaped my mouth was only a hint to the ecstasy yet to come forth. Then it begins, the whirlwind marathon of touching, sucking, feeling and losing each ourselves into each other, now becoming a part of each other in ways that can never be removed. As the climax was mounting and your hands firmly grasp my hips to make me yield myself to you…I know that no matter what happens from this moment on…we are never held by distance nor space.


Points of Reflection

I don’t always share for fear of sharing too much but there are things I need to say so if you don’t want to know or read my thoughts…please exit here.

In listening to the soundtrack to Hamilton, I heard a line that struck me. Dying is easy, living is hard. My soul was stirred with that. I thought about how suicide while the answer for the one doing it, leaves the ones behind at a loss. We wonder why, or why didn’t we see the signs. We question how we could have helped or done more. Therefore the living is hard because there will always be some level of guilt by some because they will feel responsible. It’s called survivors remorse. It makes so much sense to me, my thoughts were once in that dark place. It’s not fun there, I got out of the mindset enough to live but it still needed to be dealt with. Self care, an important aspect for healthy living.

We must learn to address our elephants in our rooms. Whatever they may be, those things we suffer in silence with that nobody knows but God. In order to help others we MUST heal ourselves. Talk therapy, I promise is worth the co-pay. Your mental self deserves to be healed. It won’t make that situation go away but it’s one less thing to be bogged down with as we already carry so many burdens, most of which may not even be our own. I have as of late decided to get rid of some mementos that I had for years. I decided that I needed to let them go in order release that segment of my life. Although I was a little girl when the memory was created, going forward and once I had come to terms with some things, those trinkets held negative energy and memories. It was time to release them. I did and it was done. Cleaning our mental house sometimes means we have to get rid of physical things that keep those memories alive and present. I am a sentimental person and keep things given to me by people throughout my life. I have had to pray and let go of a lot of mental things and some physical things too. In the end, things are things, my mind (what’s left of it) needs to be preserved.

We must learn to be empathic and realize that even our strong friends have storms and that we should be able to be there for them and help them through. Stop being selfish, learn to listen more and talk less. Let somebody else be the center of the story…it’s not always about you.

We have all come up short on something we wanted or tried to do. You are only a failure if you do not try again. Only when you have given your best efforts, enlisted help and exhausted all of your resources to no avail do you then stop. Only to reset and find another way around. Quitting is never an option. I speak in terms of goals that are obtainable, not things that are so far reaching you need to hit the lottery to get (I want to own a penguin – but ummmm he can’t live with me all year and I am not moving anywhere colder). Therefore I get a stuffed one and keep it moving. There is more than one way to skin a cat (per my mother – although I never asked why we were skinning it to begin with), so there are various work arounds. Never stop believing in yourself. You are a force to be reckoned with and you must not forget that. Surround yourself with people that make you happy, believe in you, cheer you on and tell you when you are wrong. Those people are important because they should be willing to call you on your mess, maybe tactfully maybe not, nonetheless you think about what they said and move a little differently going forward.

It’s important to show love and allow others to love you. We are all worthy of love and it is up to us to be that what we wish to attract. Just clearing my head. Thanks for reading.