I am 25 days away from my 50th birthday!!!!!!!! Can I even get you to understand how excited I am about this milestone??? Heck no because sadly everyone doesn’t accept turning 50 well. Not sure why, but I am as the saying goes these days I am living my best life. I have done a few things for the first time in my life during this time, although my actual 50th year hasn’t started YET technically but I am taking the YEAR (started in January) to embrace it all. I have allowed myself to be free. Unencumbered by the prison I held myself captive in. I’m now free to change my hair color because I am in fact not too dark for a blondish color. I am free to eat caviar because you can’t really not like something you haven’t tried. I am free to do some self maintenance that hurts for a little bit but the end result is smooth and like new. I am free to be okay with a few extra pounds and buying the damn shoes and certainly eating the cake damnit!!! I am free to love myself, my children, my spouse and my friends in the way that only I can love. My spirit is strong and I am not afraid to say what needs to be said anymore. Sorry, not sorry. I am FREE!!!! Just to be me and for that I am grateful. Grateful to the people who stuck by me while I went through all the ups and downs of a potential failing marriage, bad ass kids, and growing pains of figuring out my own life. I am grateful for the pain that I have endured, to learn that in order to grow you must experience growing pains. I am grateful for the tears that I have shed because in order to grow you must cleanse your soul. I am grateful for the heartache I have endured as it has taught me that pain don’t last always and that our hearts are more resilient than we thought. I am grateful for the knowledge that comes from that dark place where you have to claw your way out of or give in to the darkness with no hope and remain sullen and miserable for the rest of your life.
I am here with a purpose, vigor and resilience to ride out the next 50 years (if the Lord says the same) kicking ass and taking names. Yes, to live my best life until the good Lord calls me home. Wasted too much time already crying over silly shit and spilled milk. Reclaiming my time and that time is now. I appreciate my biggest fan – ME.
Oh my GAWD!!!! What a year of transformation Level 51 was for me.
In May of 2019, I realized that my marriage of 20 years had run it’s course. I got my first bone fracture last June. Got to wear a boot…don’t recommend that if you can avoid it. I got to live in a house with a man that would not even talk to me, and as a kicker, I slept in the same bed with him from September until he moved in January 2020. Next I had to figure out how to live as a single female. Biggest lesson was how to be ok with just being me, not a mom, or wife or an anything just little ole Andrea Latrice.
Then winter 2020, Ms. CaRona D. Virus came along and taught me how to be ok with not being ok. It’s one thing to be in the house because you want to be but it’s an entirely different situation when you are in the house because your life just might depend on it. To be just you and the walls. There are only so many walls to wash, bottles to craft or pages to colors. After a while it can all become too much. You then appreciate more the awesomeness of your therapist and the crew you have in your life that check on you. Whew Lawd….and it’s ONLY JULY!!
Life is never boring when you are trying to do what’s good for you and what’s deemed as right. There are twists and turns, much like a rollercoaster. Your heart races, your stomach drops and when that moment is over, you question; Do I want to go another round? To say no means you go home always wondering if the second round would be just as interesting as the first, or say yes and realize that hell, the second go was just as stomach curling as the first and I didn’t enjoy it any more. Here’s the kicker…until you die, you are on a constant ride of some sort. Sometimes it’s just the merry go round…the scene stays the same and you just go up and down and round and round. Then you have the Star Level Costers from all the parks in the land and you are tossed, turned, flipped around, thrown backwards and come to some hard abrupt stops. In between those two extremes are the mediocre rides that stop, start, go fast then stop, and right before it gets going…it slows to a halt and your time on THIS ride is over. Remember, there are more rides to ride…whether you want to or not.
So as I write this, memoir to be ever reminded of just another hurdle that I yet got over I have a few take aways.
1. Get over yourself Andrea. Thats just a note to me.
2. Your past is behind you. You must move forward. What has been done has been done. You can’t change the past but you damn sure can participate in the narrative of your future.
3. Let people love you. You are not damaged. You are a person who has been hurt and that hurt has made you as you are. However, you are allowed to change, grow and move out of the comfort of the pain that has held you captive. You are love…let love come to you.
4. You are special to at least a few people. Let that marinate in your spirit. Folks actually like you, despite what your haters say. As long as you have haters it means you are doing something right…however small. Keep that shit up.
5. Your children are great people and you are partly responsible for that. That is something to truly be proud of.
6. Your presence in the lives of those that care about you is not a mistake.
7. Quit being so quick to speak against yourself. Deal with your feelings. You are allowed to be hurt but you can’t be so damn sensitive AND not willing to discuss it. Almost messed up a great relationship. Stop that Shit!!!
8. Stop expecting yourself from others. You can’t make people react the way you wan’t them to and you can’t get mad when they don’t.
9. No matter the shitty things that have happened to you you are like the lotus flower that grows out of the mud because you continue to fight. It’s not always pretty but you push through and keep going in spite of and for that you are a winner.
10. Laughter is so good for the soul. My soul has been blessed by and with folks that make me laugh. I was told that it was their job to make me laugh. Job well done.
I was inspired to pen this…it hit me. Love still grows even when things look bleak. This flower, didn’t ask for me to buy it…and certainly didn’t ask for me to neglect her for 4 days. I got back and she was done…or was she.? I felt bad…I took her down and took off the clearly dead pieces. There was still some green and I said maybe, just maybe…there is hope. So I watered her, and put her near some flower friends because I strongly believe that those that live can give life to those who are not so hopeful. I looked and yes a flower…a single bloom.
That bloom is so powerful in my life right now. It yells that yes I am alive…I feel and I appreciated the love and the sun and life of those around me and not only did I push past the ease of death, I am vibrant and I yet live …STILL!! Sure some days look bleak and blue and angry with storms and wild winds blowing…destroying everything in its path…but to look on the horizon…a glimmer of light..the future…it’s all it’s glory…for me. Life…to strive, grow, love, be unapologetically ME!
That bloom is me…Andrea Latrice. I been though the shits man, and when I tell you checking out was on my mind…well, I hadn’t come up with a plan but hell, it had to be the way to go. Stopping my pain, being selfish to the pain it would be for those left behind. Here I stand DAMNIT!! HERE. I. STAND. Like this single bloom…because of love of family (all my friends are family) because of the Sun and the Son, because of the endless unbeknownst to them that do it…push to keep going.
Today is one of those days where I am full. So many things and nothing at this particular moment is responsible for this mood if that makes sense. Some days you just know that your life matters, that someone is still here because of YOU!!! The moments where even if you all alone you are so full of love for everyone. That day is not by happenstance. It’s the realization even subconsciously that YOU, yes YOU are still on the quest to live a most wonderful life and that despite the evils that have befallen you, you are victorious over those that tried to keep you down.
I shed tears…as I write, even when I thought of this writing I cried…these are tears of needless weight…holding on to things because they were comfortable feelings even though they were negative…Today I am free. I release myself from the prison of failed relationships and pain. I am free from my own thoughts of not being enough or adequate. Fuck you that wish harm upon me. You are rebuked and dismissed. You have no power over me…Kick rocks with your face!!
I had to share, well I didn’t have to but I wanted to. I am learning to share things that just might help someone…if only one is touched or helped by the things I do, then I have done a good thing.
Be love not just today but everyday…there is someone still here because of YOU!!!! For our lives are not our own…we are here for each other.
This will be a writing of emotions and thoughts. I may be losing the punctuation because I just want to write how I feel what I feel as I feel it.
My mind is all over the freaking place, sad, unsure, anxious, hurt, annoyed, pissed the entire fuck off!!! There is so much going on in this year of sight 2020. What a fucking year. Husband moved out (this needed to happen and I initiated it and that’s been the highlight so far – it is what it is), Corona and now riots. Corona, COVID 19, the year 2020 all of that so far has been the perfect storm. Shit is everywhere, nothing makes sense people are dying in astronomical numbers. Currently black lives matter is in week 3 of protest after the killing of George Floyd and countless others. We are tired of being sick and tired. When will this all end. There has to be a better way. Those three events hold a lifetime of emotions that are way beyond what should be acceptable in just 6 months. Life comes at you fast, I get it but damnit. Life is a full amusement park of emotions. The ones that make you just go round and round, others that have you kinda of sick from all the spinning and then the rollercoasters that take you way up high and drop your ass so fast you don’t have the time to scream and by the time the ride is over you have either decided to never ride that fucker again, or you are running in line because now you are chasing a high that you enjoyed way too much.
Anxiety and depression are the most unexplainable two situations I have ever had to deal with. I know how I feel, but you can’t explain that to someone who doesn’t have those evil twins because it’s not a regular feeling to explain. Even in that definition someone won’t get it. Hell I don’t get it and it’s my own shit. Relationships (friendships) are hard, you miss people you shouldn’t, you want people sometimes you can’t have, or you just need some mind blowing nasty sex and there is no one to scratch that itch for you – now we have frustration and irritableness to add to our fucked up stew. Yes, this is all me. Understand that I know this is me, I have a therapist and psychiatrist and I still have moments, weeks, episodes that I am spiraling out of control. I’m not NOT functioning, I’m not NOT getting out of bed or going out (as Covid restrictions allow) but I am still getting up going to work or working from home (those days are hard) I am eating, not drinking too much hell I even started to exercise. This is beyond an experience but I still keep keeping on. Even, get this shit, still having the wherewithal to encourage someone else. Now wait…the blind leading the blind…one might say. I just don’t know…it’s all a bit of a cluster and the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be a fake planted by Wiley Coyote.
I figured if I wrote all this down it would stop the riots by the purple minions in my head. They are running a muck for sure. There are fires, tears, a stack of turned over furniture and copious amounts of screaming. All the while, I am maintaining whatever sense of “normalcy” I need to to survive to live another day. I craft, I write, I do diamond dots puzzles and play word games….yet, YET…sometimes its still not enough to quiet the “crazy” (that’s what I call it). Some nights I’m in bed before 8 or 9. I’m sleepy (or I guess that could be those bouts where the depression makes me tap out early) and I can’t keep my eyes open any longer. That’s ok though right? I mean hell I’m almost 52 and if I want to go to bed then damnit I’ll go to bed and sleep the night away…SLEEP…my forever foe.
Wow, I started this in June and never finished or published which makes this even better. Since the beginning of this particular blog…not much has changed. We are still in the decade year 2020. Presidential debates…vice presidential debate ..”I’m Speaking” and the infamous fly. The crazy is some better and I’ve lost 26 pounds. Life is still an interesting turn of events. People are weird and can be so rude and inconsiderate. Leave people alone if you have no intention on treating them right. Be honest at a minimum and let them decide if they want the program you are offering. Geeze!!! Assholes.
People are going through things we may never be aware of…be kind. I mean really kind. Love harder and more. Be a better friend than ever before because what I know to be true of my friends is that they are real people, they hurt, they get scared, they cry and when I am privy to those emotions I help them with that…I cry a lot sometimes for the pains shared with me cause I hurt with and for them…I help them with their pain. That’s how I see it. They don’t have to share their lives but when they do it’s my responsibility to be there for them in whatever way they need me to be. Just today at time of this blog….one friend has had a life changing situation, one friend over thought herself into a tizzy yesterday for an appointment, my own heart which seems to be held together with packing tape and 8 bubble gums…its working and open and that is a major plus.
Here’s to going through the rest of this decade year unscathed as much as possible. Let’s all stay prayed up, liquored up…whatever means you need to make it though December 31…if you need to be friend-ed up…I got you.
You asked for it and got it….but is it truly what you want.? Better question is what took you so damn long?
Life has a strange way of dealing with the things you think you want or ask for. The saying goes be careful what you put out into the universe because it listens. Does it ever. Relationships are their own freak show and you are never quite sure how it’s going to all play out. If you are like me, you talk to yourself and go over multiple case scenarios in your head. I used to do them in a mirror with the facial expressions and all. As I’ve grown, I don’t need the mirror any more cause the facial expressions don’t really matter. Did you hear what I said and do you understand it – that’s all it comes down to at this point. Look crazy if you want to, I said what I said!
So, the long and short of the story is I actually had to grow a large pair of balls in order to make a life altering move that kind of took us all by surprise. When life hands you lemons you have a few options:
1. Make lemonade
2. Make tequila
3. Throw them hard enough to give them a nice hickey on their forehead or a broken nose.
Those may not be exact quotes but you get what I’m saying. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, despite the naysayers. One must live their life for THEM. Let me say that again for the people in the back. PEOPLE HAVE TO LIVE THEIR OWN BEST DAMN LIFE! However, only you can decide when enough is enough. When you get tired of the shit show, you will then be at the point of growth, moving forward into your own time. That part…that’s the hard part.
I mean let’s think about it. All of our lives we are at some time or another taking order or being bossed around by somebody. Then we go and get married. That’s a fine how do you do. Why does this make sense? I’ll tell you why, cause it doesn’t. Not even one little bit. Before I go any further I will tell you that I might be a tad, lets say not bitter but ok maybe bitter but it’s a valid bitterness and I own it. Albeit, relationships especially marriage makes you look at shit sideways and for good, no not good, but GREAT reasons.
Follow me here:
You meet this guy and shit seems to good to be true (it is)
You see obvious signs that indicate that some behaviors may be problematic; ie. he’s a hoe, a fine ass, military man nasty ass HOE!!! (RED FLAGS – LIKE FIRE RED) (you ignore them)
You date for 3 years and some how or another he didn’t realize it had been that long nor did he have any immediate plans to marry you (should have gone then) (RED FLAGS STILL SIMMERING) He finally asks you to marry him…oh but wait…before the marriage there were issues. Dude, what is going on here (yet, you pretend not to see the big ass writing on the damn wall)
You marry only to realize that the first 7 years of your marriage have included several other people, one which almost cost you your damn job (what happened to the 10 year itch?) (and again you should have left) (RED FLAGS SCREAMING)
So because you never learned or figured out how to handle marriage in any form (although this was your third one) you go to therapy but you are still broken on the inside. You are still pain stricken and not understanding (cause his reason is bullshit) and per the therapist there really is no answer to why his penis wound up in another woman’s vagina for several years…(insert side eye and bullshit again).. All along you are in a spiral that is going into the proverbial rabbit hole; however it takes YEARS for this to come full circle.
You then decide to repay the hurt that was bestowed upon you, and boom (you just killed his childhood dog) but, when he did it to you, he tells you to get over it. Now it’s your turn to get over it (doesn’t work so well does it) yet there are no winners in this situation. So much hurt and pain…but yet…you still didn’t leave (what is it going to take). Oh the universe said just wait honey I’m not done with you yet.
Mind you this relationship spanned a time period of 20 plus years. Sadly, once the math was done, the realization was that most of this marriage was not of substantial good times. It was made to look good on the surface (hate that it was put out into the social media-verse) but at the time, despite the fact that the shit was underlying shitty we were “ok”.
So you carry on this way and you know that it will come to an end (as it should have a long ass time ago) you are just not sure when, how, nor what will be the straw to break the proverbial camels back. It’s amazing how blind we can choose to be when it suits our needs. Fallen into a sea of red and still determined to be oblivious to the warning signs, signals and situations that are screaming for us to GET OUT…yet, we close our eyes and succumb to the belief that things are not as bad as we know that they are.
We carry on, and we keep pushing and then as if it’s your birthday, something turns in the universe and BAM!!! The door to freedom is opened. It doesn’t matter that the way it came about makes no freaking ass kinda sense, we are kicking that door open with both feet and running the hell out of here. Like it was my job to go,. and go I did. To leave in the emotional sense is greater than the physical for various reasons. Once you check out emotionally, you are good; as long as you don’t check back in – more lessons to learn even in leaving. Check out and do not under any circumstances allow yourself to get sucked back in. That’s when the fight starts.
Feelings are tricky little boogers. You get caught up on things you removed yourself from…so you say. It’s a set up, it’s not quite done yet; there is more to come and from this you will grow and learn so much more about who you ARE and have been this entire time. Needless to say, I have learned I am not what someone else’s opinion of me says I am. Screw you buddy. I will not succumb to your belittlement anymore. I am free from your microscope, your insecurities and your whorish ways. Yes, I am free and I intend to stay that way.
You asked if I could leave right now and be okay, my answer to both of our amazement was yes. WE never saw that coming…yet here we are. The lack of trying even if you were pretending to want to work this shit out, showed me a great deal about how you actually felt…you were okay with my decision, you just gotta act like it hurt. Boy BYE!! As things transpire and manifest, I find out that I”m only good for sex as it beats jacking off (puns intended). Well that’s a kick in the face ain’t it. So that’s the nail in the coffin. We can’t do nothing othe than live here in the same space until you go. Wishing that it moves faster doesn’t help.
In conclusion, what have we learned? Oooo, oooo..pick me I know!!! We have learned that red flags are not to be ignored. You cannot make another full grown ass human not be insecure if the basis of that insecurity has notthing to do with you (lessons learned too late but learned). We have learned that loving yourself is far more important than staying in a toxic marriage or hell any relationship just because you’ve done it for 20/30/40 years…that’s not good math. GET OUT!!! Nobody can tell you what works for you because they don’t see what’s going on behind closed doors. It’s scary what people want or suggest you subject yourself to for looks. Fuck that…me looking amazing single beats looking lousy married.
Red flags, don’t lie. Trust your instincts and by all means, if it look like a skunk, smell like a skunk. its a damn skunk…RUN!!!!
We are here together, finally. So, what happens next? There is inital shyness on my part, of course now it’s time to pay the piper. We are now in the atmosphere that we set via text messages and pictures. Now there is nothing much left to do, either put up or shut up…We stare intently into each others eyes, looking, reaching for the depths of each others souls. Researching for that one thing that makes this all ok. The confirmation that after today, things will still be status quo. Lines are being crossed, willingly however, never to return to the way it was – ready to take it on full force – no longer held by any distance nor space. We were never sure that this moment would actually transpire as we had the misfortunes of poor timing on our side, or was it more that we knew that if we had been logistically closer things would already be far different. The fragrances of endorpines and longing lust wafts gently through the air, the sought after passion is finally coming to a head, no longer separated by distance or space. I step away to freshen myself, essentially just gathering my thoughts and steadying my nerves, as I was birthday ready under this coat. No need for distratction as this moment had been orchestrated just so and time was of the essence. I join you on the bed, straddling you just so that we are face to face, chest to chest, and I inhale you. I smell your hair, your face, and progress downward, just to take in the fullness of your scent. I am wet, I return to your face. I take it in my hands and I lock your gaze, felling you grow against me, I want you but I resist, I will make it worth the wait. I kiss your lips, oh my gawd, they are as soft as I imagined. I kiss them again, softly and I allow myself to get lost in the kiss. It’s divine and I will never be the same. I am super wet now and I am not sure how much more I can stand, but I have to do just one more thing. I start the slow deliberate decent down this beautiful scultped work of art, with kisses and nibbles. As I near the money spot, the love muscle, help me baby Jesus. It’s even more beautiful than I could ever imagine. I look at it in awe…then I embrace it with my hands and take in in my mouth. I love it as if it were my life’s work to be here for this moment, this purpose…as you moan softly under my teasing. I suck you gently but with enough passion to make your toes curl. You grab my hips and flip me over, but I say no. I want to continue where I was you agree but only for a moment as you don’t wish to cum yet, but soon. I take you in again this time allowing you the opportunity to speak to what’s inside the polka dots, with the ease of Sunday morning your tongue reaches the spot that has been only imaging what this moment would bring. The guttural sounds that escaped my mouth was only a hint to the ecstasy yet to come forth. Then it begins, the whirlwind marathon of touching, sucking, feeling and losing each ourselves into each other, now becoming a part of each other in ways that can never be removed. As the climax was mounting and your hands firmly grasp my hips to make me yield myself to you…I know that no matter what happens from this moment on…we are never held by distance nor space.
I don’t always share for fear of sharing too much but there are things I need to say so if you don’t want to know or read my thoughts…please exit here.
In listening to the soundtrack to Hamilton, I heard a line that struck me. Dying is easy, living is hard. My soul was stirred with that. I thought about how suicide while the answer for the one doing it, leaves the ones behind at a loss. We wonder why, or why didn’t we see the signs. We question how we could have helped or done more. Therefore the living is hard because there will always be some level of guilt by some because they will feel responsible. It’s called survivors remorse. It makes so much sense to me, my thoughts were once in that dark place. It’s not fun there, I got out of the mindset enough to live but it still needed to be dealt with. Self care, an important aspect for healthy living.
We must learn to address our elephants in our rooms. Whatever they may be, those things we suffer in silence with that nobody knows but God. In order to help others we MUST heal ourselves. Talk therapy, I promise is worth the co-pay. Your mental self deserves to be healed. It won’t make that situation go away but it’s one less thing to be bogged down with as we already carry so many burdens, most of which may not even be our own. I have as of late decided to get rid of some mementos that I had for years. I decided that I needed to let them go in order release that segment of my life. Although I was a little girl when the memory was created, going forward and once I had come to terms with some things, those trinkets held negative energy and memories. It was time to release them. I did and it was done. Cleaning our mental house sometimes means we have to get rid of physical things that keep those memories alive and present. I am a sentimental person and keep things given to me by people throughout my life. I have had to pray and let go of a lot of mental things and some physical things too. In the end, things are things, my mind (what’s left of it) needs to be preserved.
We must learn to be empathic and realize that even our strong friends have storms and that we should be able to be there for them and help them through. Stop being selfish, learn to listen more and talk less. Let somebody else be the center of the story…it’s not always about you.
We have all come up short on something we wanted or tried to do. You are only a failure if you do not try again. Only when you have given your best efforts, enlisted help and exhausted all of your resources to no avail do you then stop. Only to reset and find another way around. Quitting is never an option. I speak in terms of goals that are obtainable, not things that are so far reaching you need to hit the lottery to get (I want to own a penguin – but ummmm he can’t live with me all year and I am not moving anywhere colder). Therefore I get a stuffed one and keep it moving. There is more than one way to skin a cat (per my mother – although I never asked why we were skinning it to begin with), so there are various work arounds. Never stop believing in yourself. You are a force to be reckoned with and you must not forget that. Surround yourself with people that make you happy, believe in you, cheer you on and tell you when you are wrong. Those people are important because they should be willing to call you on your mess, maybe tactfully maybe not, nonetheless you think about what they said and move a little differently going forward.
It’s important to show love and allow others to love you. We are all worthy of love and it is up to us to be that what we wish to attract. Just clearing my head. Thanks for reading.
Ohhh the thoughts I have, make me wet, I want you. The first time I saw you and you spoke, yep I was intrigued but you were not on my touch list. I can dream though and that I have, countless times…your lips, damnit them lips. I can’t help but wiggle a little imaginging them like butterfly kisses all over me. Damnit, I close my eyes and my heart begins to race because the visions I have are so damn hot.
I am compelled to pleasure myself while I hold the many sexy pictures of you in a mini slideshow to play on a continuous loop until completion of my task at hand (pun intended). I start slowly cupping my breast as you would, I can even suck my own nipple (dirty little secret) as I envision you kissing my neck slowly and then exploring the rest of me. Your tongue is the tour guide and my curves are the map.
You start the tour with the final destination of euphoria. I imagine your scent as I inhale you deeply, deep inhalations to feel your body next to me. Your hands as a navigation center that hug the map firmly with purpose and destination satisfaction.
The more I imagine the deeper my fingers go into my sweet spot as I dream of you finding your way to the secret treasure that is now dripping to receive what you have for me. As your guide finds its way to the prize I can’t contain myself any longer. I shake with the satisfaction of release as I envision you deep inside of me taking me to new heights as you moan quietly in my ear, and I in yours that yes this all belongs to you.
There is a poem floating around somewhere that I wish I had in my possession with this title.
39 years ago today my life changed. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 11.
I remember my Aunt Oneida bawling her eyes out in our bathroom. I had been around long enough to know that if all the people were at YOUR house, the tragedy belonged to you. I got out of bed and found my mother. I asked what happened, she said as only she could (you have to know my mother), your father died Andrea. Just like that. Matter of fact…it was was it was. Death had come to 12818 Hlavin. That day like many others since then have been hard. I didn’t have much time to spend getting to know my father. At 11, there was still so much to learn. Lessons that only he would have been able to teach me. Instead I was taught by the cruel twins known as trial and error. Those heifers were mean. I digress.
I have some memories, not a lot but a few. Even those aren’t all great. I remember him snatching up this little boy at the day care that he drove for for being mean to me. He was a little mad, I was scared for the boy. He saved me from losing my hand when I rolled it up in the window of his burnt orange Pontiac, Lord what was I thinking. I remember him singing the Spinners, or Ojay’s he had a beautiful voice. I remember him issuing what will forever go down in history as the “Grand Bust”. I was however never the recipient of said punishment. This is when he would grab up the poor soul that got in trouble. I clearly remember my cousin Eric, getting it. It was just one lone swat…that’s all you needed, I guess. He didn’t have to give out many. I remembered when our house caught on fire, and I saw my father cry. That showed me that real men did cry. I remember him making me share my candy with my pesky younger (unwanted – I wanted a St. Bernard; that’s another story) sister. I was mad…heifer ate all hers and I had to share. So he in some ways taught me to look out and take care of her. I remember him tickling my mother in our kitchen. So I had a small brief glimpse of a happy couple. I remember Star Trek and Budweiser beer, which to this day I detest. My sister, yes the unwanted one tried to drown me by pouring it up my nose as I lay upside down on the couch (covered in plastic, that I wasn’t supposed to be on anyway) on the phone, (probably wasn’t supposed to be on that either). That’s one beer I will never drink. The memories…and my nose burns. Go figure.
Bowling, he liked that and he was good at it. Therefore I didn’t like it because that was a negative memory. Like the Budweiser, but I did or do on occasion bowl. I have a ball, shoes and everything. I can make it look halfway decent, but just like singing, I didn’t get that gift from him. I also didn’t get the height gene. He was a tall guy, well at 11 all adults were tall. He was handsome too. Great smile, thin and sometimes I can hear his laugh. Memories – that’s all I have. So on this day, I will not be sad at the fact you are not here but cherish the short 11 years that God allowed me to have you. I have so many questions, and so many “if he were here, this surely would have been different” moments. I just want to call you and say, Hey daddy, which sounds funny even to say it in my head cause I don’t remember ever saying it to you. November 1, All Saints Day, I always thought that was perfect for a day to die. It’s the Feast of all Saints known or unknown. It works for me.
I write this because I needed to get this out my head and on paper or digital format for prosperity maybe. I don’t know. I just know that it was necessary for me to pen this. Even all these years later…I miss you like it was yesterday. I remember it like it was yesterday. Pain is supposed to subside over time is what I’ve been told. I don’t know that I agree. It like anything else waxes and wanes. Some days are better than others. The days when nothing seems to go right or I am just over everything, to just be able to call him and gripe would be nice but alas, this is my path, a fatherless child, ok grown ass woman at this point but still. Inside, I am still that 11 year old girl who wanted to go to with her dad, in the casket. Clearly I wasn’t fully aware what that meant but hell, life as I knew it was over. Crazy thing is not even haven been that close to my dad, I knew I didn’t want to stay behind with my mean ass mother (I mean whose mom is not mean when they are 11 – don’t everyone speak at once). Anywhoozle, I might just be rambling at this point but I can it’s my post, blog or whatever the hell this is I am creating.
I’m writing this angrily as I have only myself to blame for this. One, I have to rewrite this piece as I didn’t save it the first time. Two, because I am at this juncture of my life…kinda not for the first time.
I have been married for 20 years.
Nice job right? Well only partially. That 20 years comes with a lot of baggage. Heavy, black garbage bag baggage. This marriage is a beacon on the hill of “cheating on each other was not our dealbreaker”. Maybe in retrospect it should have been. You see, the very thing I had been trying to believe was not the case, in fact, is the case. Once trust has been broken, it’s a wrap. While the surface things may be better and look ok to the naked unsuspecting eye, its the shit down on the inside that whoops up on you.
Trust by definition is the firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something. So clearly once one doesn’t feel that they can rely on you or that you are not truthful, you have broken the trust. I am telling you what I know not what I think, once it’s gone…it “appears” to be present; it’s a mirage. Here’s what I know this day. Even after celebrating an monumental anniversary such as a 20 year one, there is always the next corner, or the proverbial waiting for the other shoe to drop. It drops hard, it’s steel toed. The worse part as one who has cheated and one who as been cheated on, no matter the side of the coin, it still stings.
For you see, as it’s said once a cheater always a cheater, I guess that could be too. What’s interesting to me is once you been a looking for shit cause you been cheated on, you will continue to look. Now that, that shit…that’s the shit right there. So all off a sudden you find yourself not even sure how to feel. Your spouse tells you that “the devil was busy” that’s his way of saying it wasn’t his fault he went snooping in your iPad. Not even really sure what he thought he saw as the things he said didn’t make sense and you kinda feel like you can’t be mad…but why?
You claim the iPad was making noise and disturbing your sleep which I know is a got damn lie…nothing bothers your sleep. What you said about what you found again didn’t make sense. Here I am trying not to rock the boat and ask questions or even be mad. Why? Why not be pissed and go off…oh cause this fool slick as butter. He had just had a procedure on his heart…I got played. You claim you weren’t feeling well from that, you hadn’t pooped oh and yeah…you and this dude!! Are you fucking kidding me.
Wanted to know if we had lunch…negative chief dude live in Baltimore? Shit I don’t know Buffalo maybe. Then you had the unmitigated gall to ask if we had slept together…get the fuck outta here man. This pissed me off beyond beyond as I had just shared with him a piece of my life never spoken that would give that an automatic no and this is what you do?? What makes this worse is that I feel like how can I be mad? I guess I’m not mad but feelings hella hurt. We both have hurt each other and as that saying goes, hurt people hurt people. Well, that shit is the gospel truth. I feel as though I kinda set myself up, talking to a guy I NEVER DATED WHO KNEW I WAS MARRIED THAT LIVES OH 500 MILES AWAY. Yeah, I am sure that looks bad? Did I mention we never dated, so there was no rekindling of sexual escapades to rehash. The thought that we had lunch or fucked in our house…that got me right in the throat, damn steel toed boots.
Again, I’m not innocent as I stated we both cheated on each other…and we both lied after the fact. We both went on some form of a snoop feast based on whatever reasoning we had. The devil however ain’t make me do shit. I am nosey as hell and a time or two was just blatantly looking for shit. Nothing to find. The one time I looked and found again it hurt. I was with a woman you swear was just a friend…yous a damn lie. I said Yous I sure did. Details don’t matter but you seemed taken aback when I stated that if the shoe was on the other foot you wouldn’t be so gracious. Here we fucking are. Difference is you were planning to hook up with this broad, unless I was making a road trip then there is no way in hell I was having lunch in Buffalo. Am I entitled to my feelings? You got damn right I am. Are we both wrong, potentially. I guess an apology for looking in my iPad is just as useless as apologizing for talking to an old friend??
I don’t fucking know. I feel like I’m in a perpetual state of what in the fuck is going on now. My attitude has changed. I don’t really have anything to say to him cause I’m not sure it will be nice. My got damn feelings are hurt shit. Then I start that awful second guessing every fucking decision I’ve ever mad in my damn life. That’s bout as useless as tits on a bull. This is what I do. I call myself, or I told myself the lie of this is me processing this shit. Lies, it was a lie when I said it and it’s still a fucking lie.
So now what…fuck iount know. Ride this out til I got to therapy next week? I’m taking the approach if he don’t ask me nothing I don’t have to say anything,…I think that’s the definition of passive aggressive – yeah I looked it up. So what!! I can do what I want, now I sound like a brat, I don’t care!! Just when you think you got this adult bullshit figured out, the rug is pulled out from under your. Down goes Frazier and all the things you thought were ok. The house of cards is now just a pile in the middle of the floor. 52 card pick up…we start over yet again.