19 years…who woulda thought…Certainly not ME!

♥♥♥♥Love♥♥♥♥ What a beautiful thing….yeah ok.  Let me tell you bout this love thang.  Shit is overrated.  Now don’t get me wrong…well just listen then see for yourself.

So when I started this blog it was out of the need to free myself from anger, hurt, frustration and I just really needed and wanted to write that day.  I have allowed myself to be transparent in this forum and not just to blast my husband or embarrass myself because neither of those things matter.  What matters is if I can help someone with a what not or what to do glimpse of the real shit that happens in marriages that last.  Or what happens in marriages that don’t last but here is the shit that really happened that you might only get one side of.  Real shit. True story from real people that lived it.  Now having said all of that I will move on.

Now, Tuesday October 10th will be our 19th wedding anniversary.  22 years together total.  To say we have overcome and come this far by faith is like saying King Kong was a large ape.  This shit was work and it was ugly, down on your hands, up in your face, voice quivering, ugly cry, screaming and shouting work.  I won’t kid you that shit sometimes gave me a rush cause I was ready to fight, (when he cheated), when I did it I needed him to (as he told me) get over it.  See how already this could be exhausting.  Moving on.

So I decided to blog ahead of the date so that I wouldn’t be caught up in the moment.  While the moment is good there is a long road to getting to that moment.

I won’t tell you, wait, yes I will tell you that I for real could not have imagined that where I am right now is where I would have ever seen myself be.  I have come to accept that I did not have any ideas of grandeur when it came to marriage.  I don’t have a picture of where I saw myself or how I envisioned it would be.  Clearly, not.  Hell I married my childrens fathers (both failed, 1st marriage young and had no earthly idea what the hell was happening, 2nd marriage he drank too much colt 45 and we either had a great night or he wanted to get physical and that was not on any list real or imaginary of what was going to happen) and this this dude, (who cheated, I cheated) and we still together…wtf?

Obviously, there are no set rules to this thing nor are there any set deal breakers.  You decide what is or is not a deal breaker for you.  For most or at least many cheating is at the top of the list, until you actually deal with it.  Hence 19 years.  We dealt with it, now I may look stupid to you, or be a foolish person or a simple dumb ass.  I get that not everyone can or is willing to get in the trenches to fight for an albeit failing marriage but I am not most people.  I promised God that if He blessed me with a husband that would provide stability for me and my child then when shit got hard I would not run.  I walked fast a few times, but I didn’t run.  I have stayed true to my word.  That ladies and jungle jims (inside joke funny as shit) is my WHY!  God never promised this life would be easy nor did he promise that everything would be smooth like warm butter on freshly baked bread (I might be hungry) but He did say that if we believed in Him that this trials would come to make us strong.  I could lift a house with the strength I’ve gained let me just tell ya!

My mother used to say or still does who knows she talk a lot sometimes, that Love is what it does.  I didn’t understand that until I got older and then I’m like well that’s some bullshit.  Love don’t cheat on their spouse or cause hurt harm and danger.  True, but people do.  People do things out of stupidity or not thinking they will get caught and or greediness.  Mine was retaliation.  You hurt me, I hurt you…side note – not worth it.  Just don’t do it.  It blew up like a egg in the microwave – made a damn mess.  To each his or her own but allow me to be your example.  My reasons for staying were bigger than my reasons to leave.  Promise to God, maybe the only one I actually ever kept. That’s huge!!  You know you promise, Lord if I ever get over THIS hangover I will never drink again – Lies!  Lord if you get me out of this bad relationship I will turn my life over to you and wait on you to send me a mate – Lies!  Lord, if I get out of this speeding ticket I will slow down – Lies!  See my point.  I picked the largest promise to keep and I am glad I did.  Let me pause for the cause and state that there was some selfishness to this as well.  Transparency moment.  I have a home, that I am the boss of, 19 years, Half Eddie! (Eddie Murphy Raw joke), I worked to hard to walk away now, and I have learned some valuable lessons in staying.

I won’t bore you with them but I will share if you like, just ask me.  One I will share is that if you really, I mean really want to succeed at something you must be willing to fight for it.  You must be willing to allow yourself to be uncomfortable and in the eyes of others (which I am glad to say I give Zero Fucks about) look foolish, stupid, like a damn fool.  Alladat.  As the saying goes, because at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.  It’s your life, your love, your heart, your relationship, your family, friend loved ones (who took up for his ass, questionable loyalty) and made you have to rethink and reassess EVERYTHING you thought you knew.

One last story.  My great Aunt Bea when I told her about the initial infidelity stated very simply to me.  Just stay with him. He loves you and he didn’t mean it.  You could leave but think about this, you could get someone worse next time.  Initially I thought, well what the fuck Aunt Bea. That’s the worse advice to give somebody…what!!!!!!!  As the years have gone by, she was right.  Cheating while not pleasant is not by far the worse thing a spouse could do…it’s certainly not the best but not by far the worse.  Just remember, your deal breakers are for you to figure out. Not your friends, who may or may not even be married or happy they damn self.  They are your friends and love you but the end result of your choices are yours and yours alone to have.

So I conclude with happy anniversary to us.  The fighters who stuck it out despite the odds, odds we placed on ourselves.  Third time is certainly looking to be the charm.  Here’s to 19 more. with a lot less drama…I hope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “19 years…who woulda thought…Certainly not ME!

    1. Thanks love. I believe this blog has helped me to reflect and look at life differently. I can write and get it all out which allows me the opportunity to redirect my energy. Love you

      Like

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