…The Fear is Real – I Can’t Explain

My name is Drea.

I have anxiety and depression.

I am sharing this because I have had several experiences of major anxiety attacks doing common everyday things. The fact that I am sharing this is for my own therapy.

I go to the barbershop every two weeks faithfully. Now usually there is no issue, no there is never an issue. I absolutely love my barber, I always love my hair and the price is right. Now, for some reason this week as in past weeks I look at different styles on Pinterest to send to the barber for the vision of the week. It had happened once before but I kinda blew it off as potential excitement about getting my hair cut and colored. The intensity of the next few BIG chops as they are called seem to increase each time. Hence this week. I mean I’ve gone to the same shop to the same guy at the same time for almost a year if not more.
What the hell was the problem. I mean I sent him the pictures while chatting with my best good girlfriend on Facebook messenger about the cut. Normal stuff right? Sure; no problem.

Well as I ended my day at work, I just worked a little over to go right to the shop from work, why waste gas. You would have thought I was on my way to a firing squad. I got nervous, not excitedly so but as if I were in danger. My heart was palpitating and I was clearly aware that my breathing had changed. I texted another girlfriend either random or purposefully because I was able to recognize and own that something was not quite right. Even reliving the events my heart palpating is clearly noticeable to me . What in the hell? There is no rhyme or reason to that. My barber probably would not have noticed that I was a nervous wreck. Why would he? I’m on his book for the next year. I can’t begin to explain to you WHY in the world this hair cut was about to take me out of here. When you have anxiety there is not always a “good reason” to be in a state of panic as there is nothing that is “going on” that would cause for an anxiety attack.

There was another incident of a tattoo where it makes sense to have a slight seemingly anxiety attack. This case was probably more nerves than anything because unlike the lies people tend to tell, that shit hurts. So sure unless you into that kinky kinda shit then maybe it doesn’t hurt but I don’t like it, well I do like the end result but the process is not fun. So maybe that doesn’t count.

I just don’t know, I can’t explain it. I have come to realize that there might be something wrong (not really) with me. Most people get nervous flying – oh no, not this gal. I will get on the plane and might be sleep before the safety briefing is over. I mean if it’s my time to go, then so be it. I don’t know if this means I’m weird or whatever and that’s ok but I can recognize that things are not right. Seriously though somebody explain this to me? I want people to understand that anxiety has it’s own power over people in different ways. Normal things that should not cause any problems or harm can affect people in ways that make no sense to the “normal person”.

People think of anxiety attacks that involve stress at work, or issues at home or things that are more common to cause an increase of heart rate, labored breathing, chest pain, flushing skin and feeling as if you might faint. Yeah, sure car accident near miss, maybe that feeling is valid but a hair cut…what the hell?

I don’t have the answers and clearly am still working on me and figuring out my own issues. What I do know and want to express is that don’t be afraid to talk those feelings out. Get in therapy, some meds or something. Haircuts are not scary, haircuts are our friends…

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