You asked for it and got it….but is it truly what you want.? Better question is what took you so damn long?
Life has a strange way of dealing with the things you think you want or ask for. The saying goes be careful what you put out into the universe because it listens. Does it ever. Relationships are their own freak show and you are never quite sure how it’s going to all play out. If you are like me, you talk to yourself and go over multiple case scenarios in your head. I used to do them in a mirror with the facial expressions and all. As I’ve grown, I don’t need the mirror any more cause the facial expressions don’t really matter. Did you hear what I said and do you understand it – that’s all it comes down to at this point. Look crazy if you want to, I said what I said!
So, the long and short of the story is I actually had to grow a large pair of balls in order to make a life altering move that kind of took us all by surprise. When life hands you lemons you have a few options:
1. Make lemonade
2. Make tequila
3. Throw them hard enough to give them a nice hickey on their forehead or a broken nose.
Those may not be exact quotes but you get what I’m saying. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, despite the naysayers. One must live their life for THEM. Let me say that again for the people in the back. PEOPLE HAVE TO LIVE THEIR OWN BEST DAMN LIFE! However, only you can decide when enough is enough. When you get tired of the shit show, you will then be at the point of growth, moving forward into your own time. That part…that’s the hard part.
I mean let’s think about it. All of our lives we are at some time or another taking order or being bossed around by somebody. Then we go and get married. That’s a fine how do you do. Why does this make sense? I’ll tell you why, cause it doesn’t. Not even one little bit. Before I go any further I will tell you that I might be a tad, lets say not bitter but ok maybe bitter but it’s a valid bitterness and I own it. Albeit, relationships especially marriage makes you look at shit sideways and for good, no not good, but GREAT reasons.
Follow me here:
You meet this guy and shit seems to good to be true (it is)
You see obvious signs that indicate that some behaviors may be problematic; ie. he’s a hoe, a fine ass, military man nasty ass HOE!!! (RED FLAGS – LIKE FIRE RED) (you ignore them)
You date for 3 years and some how or another he didn’t realize it had been that long nor did he have any immediate plans to marry you (should have gone then) (RED FLAGS STILL SIMMERING) He finally asks you to marry him…oh but wait…before the marriage there were issues. Dude, what is going on here (yet, you pretend not to see the big ass writing on the damn wall)
You marry only to realize that the first 7 years of your marriage have included several other people, one which almost cost you your damn job (what happened to the 10 year itch?) (and again you should have left) (RED FLAGS SCREAMING)
So because you never learned or figured out how to handle marriage in any form (although this was your third one) you go to therapy but you are still broken on the inside. You are still pain stricken and not understanding (cause his reason is bullshit) and per the therapist there really is no answer to why his penis wound up in another woman’s vagina for several years…(insert side eye and bullshit again).. All along you are in a spiral that is going into the proverbial rabbit hole; however it takes YEARS for this to come full circle.
You then decide to repay the hurt that was bestowed upon you, and boom (you just killed his childhood dog) but, when he did it to you, he tells you to get over it. Now it’s your turn to get over it (doesn’t work so well does it) yet there are no winners in this situation. So much hurt and pain…but yet…you still didn’t leave (what is it going to take). Oh the universe said just wait honey I’m not done with you yet.
Mind you this relationship spanned a time period of 20 plus years. Sadly, once the math was done, the realization was that most of this marriage was not of substantial good times. It was made to look good on the surface (hate that it was put out into the social media-verse) but at the time, despite the fact that the shit was underlying shitty we were “ok”.
So you carry on this way and you know that it will come to an end (as it should have a long ass time ago) you are just not sure when, how, nor what will be the straw to break the proverbial camels back. It’s amazing how blind we can choose to be when it suits our needs. Fallen into a sea of red and still determined to be oblivious to the warning signs, signals and situations that are screaming for us to GET OUT…yet, we close our eyes and succumb to the belief that things are not as bad as we know that they are.
We carry on, and we keep pushing and then as if it’s your birthday, something turns in the universe and BAM!!! The door to freedom is opened. It doesn’t matter that the way it came about makes no freaking ass kinda sense, we are kicking that door open with both feet and running the hell out of here. Like it was my job to go,. and go I did. To leave in the emotional sense is greater than the physical for various reasons. Once you check out emotionally, you are good; as long as you don’t check back in – more lessons to learn even in leaving. Check out and do not under any circumstances allow yourself to get sucked back in. That’s when the fight starts.
Feelings are tricky little boogers. You get caught up on things you removed yourself from…so you say. It’s a set up, it’s not quite done yet; there is more to come and from this you will grow and learn so much more about who you ARE and have been this entire time. Needless to say, I have learned I am not what someone else’s opinion of me says I am. Screw you buddy. I will not succumb to your belittlement anymore. I am free from your microscope, your insecurities and your whorish ways. Yes, I am free and I intend to stay that way.
You asked if I could leave right now and be okay, my answer to both of our amazement was yes. WE never saw that coming…yet here we are. The lack of trying even if you were pretending to want to work this shit out, showed me a great deal about how you actually felt…you were okay with my decision, you just gotta act like it hurt. Boy BYE!! As things transpire and manifest, I find out that I”m only good for sex as it beats jacking off (puns intended). Well that’s a kick in the face ain’t it. So that’s the nail in the coffin. We can’t do nothing othe than live here in the same space until you go. Wishing that it moves faster doesn’t help.
In conclusion, what have we learned? Oooo, oooo..pick me I know!!! We have learned that red flags are not to be ignored. You cannot make another full grown ass human not be insecure if the basis of that insecurity has notthing to do with you (lessons learned too late but learned). We have learned that loving yourself is far more important than staying in a toxic marriage or hell any relationship just because you’ve done it for 20/30/40 years…that’s not good math. GET OUT!!! Nobody can tell you what works for you because they don’t see what’s going on behind closed doors. It’s scary what people want or suggest you subject yourself to for looks. Fuck that…me looking amazing single beats looking lousy married.
Red flags, don’t lie. Trust your instincts and by all means, if it look like a skunk, smell like a skunk. its a damn skunk…RUN!!!!