I have had more ah ha moments in the last year or two that I wonder sometimes if I had them sooner how much different my life would be. Then I realize or have to admit, I wasn’t ready for it then, like I am now. I would not have appreciated the journey that I have been on since June 2019 to present had it arrived prior to then. There were too many things (people and situations) standing in the way of what is now clearer vision. The fact of the matter is, and mind you this is all just in the world according to me, we are not always ready for what we think we want or are seemingly requesting that the universe send us post haste.
I don’t pretend to know everything but the little that I do know about what I know is that this journey called life is not a walk in the park. Jurassic Park maybe but certainly not a park of daisies and butterflies. Yeahhhhh, no! It has come to my attention, that people don’t often come out and say what they really want in a relationship, situation ship, screw ships, whatever you might want to call it.
I have had the displeasure of finding out what that looks like at the onset. So, (twirling my hair), there was this guy….yeah whatever…this dude was obvious from the start. Leave out the non essential parts, it was blatant and obvious that he only wanted to as the kids say “smash”. You know, get the goods, hit and quit, horizontal mambo…you get the picture (goodness I hope so). Again, it was obvious to me but damnit…state your damn intentions please. He is younger than I and while age plays a factor with some things I don’t call it on this. As I was told in so many words I was nice to look at, pleasing to the senses and all that jazz. Sure, I will take a compliment but at some juncture those turn to very pointed (see what I did there) comments of my anatomy.
Stop it!!! Don’t objectify me. What is your angle? After much teeth pulling and arm twisting he finally admitted that he was looking for a “love friend”. What in the hell is that??? Well, its a nicer term than booty call. He wanted to be able to do the do without any attachment or commitment. Just something to do when you had time? Oh but he didn’t have time because he’s in school and just started a new job….boy BYE!!!! This song and dance could have and rightly so been over had that just been said up front. No, instead you want to pretend like you like me a little, wanted to get to know me, spend “time” but all you really wanted was to do the do. I politely declined that invitation and at the end he told me I was still cute though. Oh, Okay.
From that situation I was forced to reckon with the thought that you know what…it may just not be for you to have this thing called love. Talking to myself. Having the “talk”, you may just be riding this last leg of this journey on your own (insert Patti Labelle and Michael McDonald). I mean, don’t get me wrong, everything ain’t for everyone. Let’s face it. We have been told that falling in love is supposed to be this wonderful thing, No one said that you might fall in and then get pushed out, forced out, jumped out (as in a gang), die out which is okay but nonetheless, just because you are in it doesn’t guarantee happily ever after. I been married a total of 25 years, three marriages however, 25 years.
As I sit in my back yard penning this blog I am taking in all the quiet. A bird here and there, a train in the distance but it’s quiet. My mind is still and my heart is at peace. Why does this matter you ask? I’ll tell you. It is for the fact that I know in this very moment, I am at peace and I am complete in and of myself. While I don’t knock anyone that has a boo, husbae, significant other or special friend. I have come to the agreement with myself that if love or even deep like never comes this way again, I am in fact okay with that. Now listen, I do want a few things, a few more times before my number is called. I might be able to get those in with no strings attached. but even if not, I am at peace with that.
I believe that there is so much focus placed on being with someone and having that someone to ride off into the sunset with rather than normalizing that some of us are okay not being saddled with another human for the rest of our lives. Some are okay with causal dating and sex with no commitments. Normalize not making a woman feel less than if she is not married and doesn’t want children.
We need to listen to what our heart says versus what those around us say. I am learning to honor myself, my emotions and my feelings without having to consider someone one. All to often we lose ourselves in relationships and we forget or put what we want, need, desire and like on the back burner. Nope, no more, nope nope nope. I choose me over anyone else first, last and forever more. Our hearts are strong and resilient and with our without anyone else we are whole and complete. My heart is full as I conclude this because I started in one place but where I have ended is so much greater than where I started. I am speaking straight from my heart, that is healed and is in agreement with my brain that we are fine just the way we are. Love is still a great thing to have but even without it from a special someone, life is still good.