This blog while like my other writings is meant in lightheartedness but full of truths. Now, let me start by saying that this is all about how I see what happened in the wake of the end of my marriage with my former husband.
The family unit consisted of mostly women. He had 4 sisters, a bunch of nieces, cousins, great nieces you get it…a bunch of estrogen. Strong family in that they may fall out with each other but don’t you dare cross them cause it would be curtains for you. The family was a gang, I swear it was. I used to tease that the only way out was to be jumped out or to die. Well, I kinda took the later way out, not by choice but by virtue of ending my relationship with him. That decision rendered me DEAD and quickly. I was dumb enough to believe that I would maintain a relationship with these women after it was all said and done but as Maury said that was determined to be a lie. I even thought that by inviting them out to lunch to tell them first that it was over between he and I that would keep me somehow in their good graces…NEGATIVE, NANCY. Little did I know I was being cancelled right at that moment. As time moved on it became clear that I Rudolph was no longer invited nor welcome at the reindeer games that were hosted by the family. Now, let me backtrack a little and say this. I don’t know why I expected anything different than what I got. Blood is thicker than mud my momma always says. I dumbly figured that 20 years in this family rendered me a spot at the proverbial table. Shiiiiittttt, they burned the table and threw my chair in the dumpster. I was OUTTA THERE!!!! Like a strike out at home plate. I felt do dejected. It was a strange set of emotions. I was all over the place with ending my marriage because even though the shit was over long before I finally said it, he was hurt. Uhhhh, what’s happening here? How you hurt by something you set in motion??? How you get to play the woe is me card when you know good and damn well you stop trusting me when I did to you what you did to me?? Please explain to me how that works sir? In my effort to make things ok I offered for us to maybe date after he got the hell out of this space we shared that he did not want…even better right?? So how the hell am I the bad guy here? Well as it became more apparent that I was clearly cut off from all things family, I realized that I was probably the villain in his version of the story. Funny how that works. The worse part was that for 20 plus years that was my family. I moved here to be married to him and they took me in and made me theirs and now, now here I stand deserted and thrown away like yesterday’s leftovers!!!! Damnit man. Talking about feeling abandoned, thrown away and kicked to the curb. Yes, my feelings were hurt. I was sad, there is one niece to whom I have maintained a relationship. Even that came with a bit of strife due to another situation that was born out of issues that had nothing to do with me. However, that further confirmed and set in stone that I would not longer be part of this familial relationship. Yes, I’m that person sometimes I have to hit my head 5011 times to get the obvious message. Stubbornness and experience are my go to’s for great teachings.
So, as I pen this correspondence that was born out of a conversation with my best good sista friend it becomes clearer that family is who you choose and it’s more than and absolutely better than folks that have to deal with you because you married their sibling. My family now consists of the people that I have acquired before during and after my failed relationships and the people that love me and let me be me. In all of my quirkiness, brattiness and stubbornness. I am a hot head to a small degree but certainly a knee jerk reaction but then after I think about it calm down and apologize type person. Having said all that I can ask for forgiveness if I have wronged you. I also realize that everyone is not meant to stay in your life always. Not just in-laws but friends and some family too. After the love is gone. Man, it’s not easy to sometimes see that the love you thought you had was situational anyway. Thank GOD for vision, no matter how late it comes. As long as you get it before life is over you win.
Love…what is it all about anyway? Do we really know? I will say this about that. I don’t believe in my 53 years of life that it’s been my pleasure to have met this thing called love. Don’t get me wrong, I know that my children love me, my momma and sister. Some cousins maybe and my real friends. I have not had the pure and unconditional love of a man though. Knowing what I know now I don’t believe in my heart of hearts that I have ever been loved the way that God intended for me to. I was in a marriage where there were times that love was present but it was never pure, it was never real or genuine. That’s sad to say and it feels even worse but I do however believe that it’s true. I look at relationships of those around me, and I see things that were never present in my relationships and while it’s sad, it’s okay; there is a matter of understanding that it wasn’t my time. To be honest, it may never be my time… and that too has to be okay. After the love is gone. What a statement. What a realization!!!!! Love….what is even that????