Straight from my heart

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I have had more ah ha moments in the last year or two that I wonder sometimes if I had them sooner how much different my life would be. Then I realize or have to admit, I wasn’t ready for it then, like I am now. I would not have appreciated the journey that I have been on since June 2019 to present had it arrived prior to then. There were too many things (people and situations) standing in the way of what is now clearer vision. The fact of the matter is, and mind you this is all just in the world according to me, we are not always ready for what we think we want or are seemingly requesting that the universe send us post haste.

I don’t pretend to know everything but the little that I do know about what I know is that this journey called life is not a walk in the park. Jurassic Park maybe but certainly not a park of daisies and butterflies. Yeahhhhh, no! It has come to my attention, that people don’t often come out and say what they really want in a relationship, situation ship, screw ships, whatever you might want to call it.

I have had the displeasure of finding out what that looks like at the onset. So, (twirling my hair), there was this guy….yeah whatever…this dude was obvious from the start. Leave out the non essential parts, it was blatant and obvious that he only wanted to as the kids say “smash”. You know, get the goods, hit and quit, horizontal mambo…you get the picture (goodness I hope so). Again, it was obvious to me but damnit…state your damn intentions please. He is younger than I and while age plays a factor with some things I don’t call it on this. As I was told in so many words I was nice to look at, pleasing to the senses and all that jazz. Sure, I will take a compliment but at some juncture those turn to very pointed (see what I did there) comments of my anatomy.

Stop it!!! Don’t objectify me. What is your angle? After much teeth pulling and arm twisting he finally admitted that he was looking for a “love friend”. What in the hell is that??? Well, its a nicer term than booty call. He wanted to be able to do the do without any attachment or commitment. Just something to do when you had time? Oh but he didn’t have time because he’s in school and just started a new job….boy BYE!!!! This song and dance could have and rightly so been over had that just been said up front. No, instead you want to pretend like you like me a little, wanted to get to know me, spend “time” but all you really wanted was to do the do. I politely declined that invitation and at the end he told me I was still cute though. Oh, Okay.

From that situation I was forced to reckon with the thought that you know what…it may just not be for you to have this thing called love. Talking to myself. Having the “talk”, you may just be riding this last leg of this journey on your own (insert Patti Labelle and Michael McDonald). I mean, don’t get me wrong, everything ain’t for everyone. Let’s face it. We have been told that falling in love is supposed to be this wonderful thing, No one said that you might fall in and then get pushed out, forced out, jumped out (as in a gang), die out which is okay but nonetheless, just because you are in it doesn’t guarantee happily ever after. I been married a total of 25 years, three marriages however, 25 years.

As I sit in my back yard penning this blog I am taking in all the quiet. A bird here and there, a train in the distance but it’s quiet. My mind is still and my heart is at peace. Why does this matter you ask? I’ll tell you. It is for the fact that I know in this very moment, I am at peace and I am complete in and of myself. While I don’t knock anyone that has a boo, husbae, significant other or special friend. I have come to the agreement with myself that if love or even deep like never comes this way again, I am in fact okay with that. Now listen, I do want a few things, a few more times before my number is called. I might be able to get those in with no strings attached. but even if not, I am at peace with that.

I believe that there is so much focus placed on being with someone and having that someone to ride off into the sunset with rather than normalizing that some of us are okay not being saddled with another human for the rest of our lives. Some are okay with causal dating and sex with no commitments. Normalize not making a woman feel less than if she is not married and doesn’t want children.

We need to listen to what our heart says versus what those around us say. I am learning to honor myself, my emotions and my feelings without having to consider someone one. All to often we lose ourselves in relationships and we forget or put what we want, need, desire and like on the back burner. Nope, no more, nope nope nope. I choose me over anyone else first, last and forever more. Our hearts are strong and resilient and with our without anyone else we are whole and complete. My heart is full as I conclude this because I started in one place but where I have ended is so much greater than where I started. I am speaking straight from my heart, that is healed and is in agreement with my brain that we are fine just the way we are. Love is still a great thing to have but even without it from a special someone, life is still good.

How To Fix My Broken Soul?

Just because it’s broken doesn’t mean its damaged forever.

My writings have become more than just a release of pet up frustrations and random emotions. As with this very writing I find myself freely without reservation being willing to go inside of the most dark places with candles and flashlights, lamps and night time vision goggles to expose all the shadows that haunt me even when the sun is out.

Think about that!! How dark are these recesses that they can even over take the brightest of days? Dark as night with no stars, no moon, no visible resemblance of life-yours or mine. No one is anywhere at all. Darkness.

This desolate place doesn’t just appear. It’s made. It’s built from all the ugly that your life is made of and some of us have more than others. Some of us have buried this so deep that we live in the darkness not even aware that we are buried like a mushroom. Living under lies and shit in the dark in solitude. So, like many of my writings they are a means to unfurl some spider web of thoughts or concerns I have allowed myself to get into (half the time looking right at it) still managing to run straight into it eyes wide open. Look Drea, where are you going????

Let’s talk about how to fix a broken soul though. The definition of soul is an emotional or intellectual energy or intestate especially as revealed in a work of art; the immaterial part of a human being or animal regarded as immortal. Your soul consists of your mind, character, thoughts and feelings. Let that marinate for a minute or two.

That to me is quite a mouthful. So how would one break a soul in the first place? Well a few personal examples I believe are childhood trauma, sexual abuse, loss of a parent at an early age, skewed family dynamics just to name a few and those few are quite enough I’d say.

Just for grins and giggles let’s add failed relationships as an adult, strained relationships with a parent or sibling, lack of self esteem mixed with some undiagnosed mental health issues; depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and no idea where to turn. Sounds like a freaking recipe for sure disaster. It in fact is just that. Baked at 350 degrees for years and you have the perfect broken soul cake, a beautiful disaster.

Whew, where do you even begin with all of that huh? Who would even want to bother with that hot ass mess. My answer is Jesus!!! Who else is even equipped to deal in miracles of this magnitude. Silence -absolutely no one. Superman maybe? As it turns out, the only entity able to fix this mess is the mess itself. It’s true, Kind of like a self cleaning oven. Well Ok, I’m not sure of the specifics to how that works but it’s a great metaphor.

Much like the self cleaning oven, a person must look inside of themself to assess the damage. Simply put, figure out where to even begin cleaning up this shit show. As with most messes what’s fresh on the surface is never the true source of the issue. That’s when the hard work comes in to determine what the root cause is…usually working backwards to the beginning. What a task, It’s gotta be done though, Why? Thanks for asking, As it stands already we know that hurt people hurt people right? No one needs more hurt in their lives. I would dare say we have all had a freaking-nough!!! Let’s work on healing. While a painful process the end result is beautiful.

How do I know…I am the beautiful disaster spoken of. This blog is definitely all about me. I have felt that I was not worthy, not enough, not deserving of any love, decent relationship with a male counterpart, hell I believed that I was emotionally unavailable for my children. I was a whole ass mess. I have not issue with that admission because I now know better. I am better. I, along with much therapy, some meds, prayers of this who love me and countless bottles of wine came to some different findings and conclusions. What we speak into the universe it what we receive. We believe what our thoughts are. We are in control of a lot of things we go through and those things we don’t control there is help for that. Almost like there’s an app for that. That app is called therapy.

The minions are trying to run amuck, SAT DOWN!!!

Mind blown right.

It works though. However you need to do it, just get it done. Cry it out, shout it out, write it down, sing it out, whatever you have to do it’s better out of your head than running amuck. The crazy in my head are the purple minions from the movie Despicable Me. They are mean, and full of mayhem. They knock shit over, they set shit on fire, they break windows and they torment each other. That vision to me is funny cause well, its in my head and I can see it. I had to get them under control though. it was a ruckus daily and it began to be quite overwhelming. I had to be an adult and do the hard things, I had to admit some things OUT LOUD and call myself out on some of my thoughts and behaviors. Thats when the healing began, the timer on the self cleaning oven started. It’s a process to heal our soul but it’s a necessary process, it has to be done in order to grow and learn and love and be better.

WE GOTTA DO IT!!!!

There is no option; we have to break the cycle of being hurt and continuing to hurt others. Our souls are broken and we need to fix them. We need to heal those children inside that have been hurt and grown into these hurt adults. Heal the soul, fix the hurt. I am so glad that my soul is in a better place and those minions are pretty calm these days. I had to do a lot of work to fix my soul and lord knows I am the better for it. We must admit, talking about these issues is the only way to get closure and fix our broken soul. Maybe it’s just me that has a broken soul, I doubt it but to each his/her own. No matter what the end result is you must do what’s good for YOUR SOUL!!!!!

…and then it hit me.

I am perpetually late to the party. I am slow to hear or know music, or sayings or about new drinks…just slow sometimes but I’m okay with that. What’s not ok is when you are laying in bed and your think about the randomness in your life and you realize that you have three favorite colors. Random…but the epiphany.

So, I have a love hate, well more hate than love relationship with Tuesday. That’s another blog. Anyway, I was in the bed thinking about what I was gonna wear today, Tuesday. It’s really a great story about me and Tuesday (check out my podcast on Anchor; Discussions by Drea) and in my attempt to conquer this thing we got I have to get dressed on Tuesday. Not just shorts and a top but CLOTHES. For those of us working from home that is a foreign concept but it has to be on Tuesday. Yellow – never a color I thought I would embrace for myself but I had to laugh because I hadn’t realized that she had already embraced me and we had been friends for a long time.

Here’s what I came to realize. The color yellow is one of my most favorite colors and not because it looks good against my skin. Yellow is the color of the sun. I love the sun and the warmth it gives. I am a Leo and that is a sun sign, yellow embodies all things warm and cheery. While I haven’t always lived in this place of light and love now that I’m here, it makes sense that this where I was always supposed to be. Life experiences can change our color perspective. I had a dark phase, not just in my choice of favorite colors but the place I was in mentally. It was dark and ugly. Red was born out of this place. Now, red is also a color of power. Again being a Leo we are considered to have some power as the animal and strong personalities as people. Red is bold and daring, things I hoped to be, as I was not there …yet. Then there is gray. So versatile and subtle, bold and quiet. Grey ties the other two colors together for me.

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Why is this important? Glad you asked. I realized that my house exemplifies all of these colors and quite nicely I might add. The thing that struck me was that yellow is in my kitchen and my bedroom which are necessary rooms to have light and love. The kitchen well it’s where the food is…that’s happiness right there. My bedroom is where happiness should also be as when I slumber it should be well. The grey is called gentle rain…the yellow is field of daisies. What a great combo for a bedroom. The living and dining rooms are in shade of gray with red ceiling in the living room. It’s super cool. It is decorated in grays, with accents of yellow and red. I have my soft, my bold and my warmth, just like me. My colors are my personality traits.

The colors in our life are not by mistake or happenstance. They serve a purpose. Those colors we choose as our FAVORITE…have purpose and meaning. I am glad that I figured out what mine were and how they fit into my life. How my personality dictates which colors I am drawn to and how they make my life and my home who and what I am. Color – what’s yours?

A love letter to my biggest fan and critic. Me!

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My Dearest Self.

Hello. I pray this correspondence finds you well. I have been thinking about you and wanted to take the time to share some thoughts with you about you that stand out to me.

I want to first start by telling you I love you so much. I have watched you evolve and its been beautiful, like the lotus tattoo that you have. Little did you know that was not just something to get but something that would truly be part of your life story. Honey, I want to congratulate you on taking the leap I won’t say of faith but of sanity by walking away for that relationship that was no longer (although it hadn’t been for some time) fulfilling it’s purpose in your life. That was something huh? Yeah, but you did it. I can only suppose how scary that seemed until you actually did it and now look at you, all happy and peaceful and shit! I love it.

2020 was a bit of a mess for everybody and I can’t tell you how amazed I am that while you were still in the process of healing from that aforementioned situation, you managed to loose some weight (while others were taking on pandemic poundage) and not loose your mind. You held it down and continued to keep your wits about you. Do you know how proud I was to watch you work through what hurt you to come out stronger on the other side? Girl you did that!!! I also want to commend you on something you probably didn’t think much about but I noticed. You stayed consistent in being true to you. You had some deep and dope conversations with some great sister friends and had some spiritual connections that set your should ablaze. The most fascinating part about that was you then shared your knowledge to help a few other sister friends grow and adjust their crowns a little straighter. I’m surprised you didn’t hear me screaming for you. My pom poms lost all their hair I was shaking them so hard.

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You want to know what amazes me the most about you? Glad you asked. It’s your resilience sis. You’ve been down but never out, well that one time but that’s neither here nor there. Even when you thought you had it all together and tried to let your guard down just to be knocked down yet again. Even more when you thought a deeper connection of sorts seemed to be lined up in your sight and BAM, another false hope. You bounced back, slowly and with caution yet you kept going. It was amazing to see how you opened yourself up and even though it was disastrous, you cried a little well ok you cried a lot but you moved on, slowly again but still moving. You didn’t fall into that dark place that is so easy for you (and countless others) to slip back into, and I am so proud of you for keeping the light on like the Motel 6.

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My constant prayer for you is that you continue on this quest for life. That you continue to love endlessly, (even though we agree men suck; sometimes the right way, lol), believe once again in fairytales, and know that if all that fails, you still got me. I am here to listen, help you cry, dry your tears, cuss a lot, drink some wine, eat some food and when the day is done to hold you and rock you to sleep. You my girl, are my shero!! You inspire me everyday to be better than the day before. You have shown me what being a grown up looks like. It’s showing up regardless of how you feel, its pushing forward when it’s easier to just fall apart, it’s supporting your sister friends not because you have to but because you want to and you are always there to support your sisters, sometimes without them asking (you can be bossy sometimes).

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May you always dream bigger, love harder, hug longer and never forget how dope and amazing you truly are. I love you and that’s forever. If you need me I am always close, hammer in hand ready…to hammer a nail or something. Stay strong and stay true to you, my love; you got this.

Forever your biggest fan,

Me.

The invisible Albatross!!

Oh to be young again. I have so many other ways to ruin my life. So many things I would do so differently. One of those things would be to either not have married at all or certainly not have married the men that I did. That is just the truth of the matter. My truth and that is the only one that matters. Ha. I crack myself up.

In keeping with that theme I have become aware that part of the issues I have acquired due to the failure of the aforementioned marriages is that I deeply despise Tuesday. Tuesday is by far the worst day of the week for me. I don’t know what happened that first Tuesday that made all the other Tuesdays decide to keep up the trend but it sucks. Since the start of the pandemic of 2020, Tuesday working from home has become far worse than ever working in the office. Now, I did also suffer this same phenomenon when working in the office. I would sit at my desk and cry. Not even sure why. Nothing was wrong at work except for being at work, I mean hey, who wants to do that!!

I have to fight every week, I mean EVERY WEEK TO GET OUT OF THE BED ON TUESDAY. No, I don’t stay up later on Monday, no I don’t watch tv in bed, I can even go to bed early but on Tuesday morning…it’s a struggle. I mean a real fight. Who clocks in “late” working from home…probably plenty of people, however the struggle to walk maybe 6 steps from bed to desk may as well be the same as walking from Ohio from California.

There is a running joke between two girlfriends and I that Tuesday is now Troll Tuesday. I own and live under that bridge and some Tuesday’s I look like it. I have to shower and get dressed in order to feel like a human. What in the wholly guacamole is this about??? I don’t even have a clue…but I have to actively fight against it. In that fight I have noticed that I can shake the albatross off, at least until next week. The question is WHY??? WWHHHYYYYYY?????? Today, just this day, I think I might have figured it out. Oh shoot, how exciting is this!!!

While in the “lab” also known as the shower, is when I got yet another answer to the problems that plague me. Change your thoughts Drea. Well, that’s mind-blowing right? Let’s think about it though, no pun intended. Unless it’s something physical then it’s mental. Your thoughts can make mountains out of mole hills, or is that just me? I’m inclined to think it’s NOT just me. It’s simple yet, not so much. I mean just tell myself that today is gonna be a great day!!! We all know that it only takes a spill of your coffee or an annoying person on the phone to change that right? Well, yeah but we can’t or aren’t supposed to let the mere minor inconveniences in life ruin the whole day…however its like that sometimes.

What to do what to do???? Shake it off as Taylor Swift says. Well that doesn’t work for me so now what? Glad you asked. Unfortunately as many of us know we have to work a tad harder to change the attitude and trajectory of what happens after that. However, when you go to bed anticipating that the next day is going to be a disaster, how do you offset that. Think differently is still the answer. Project better upon the future. Plan to have a great day. Easier said than done but achievable. We can talk ourselves into or out of anything if we want to. How often is it easier to.just go with the negative talk than to fight against it and do the pep talk. to a better mood.

So today I have told myself listen Latrice, (usually it’s Linda but I have my own L name) we are going to make Tuesday our bitch!!! Lol. Tuesday is now henceforth and forever more known as Thug Tuesday. That means we hit the floor with a purpose, to be great, to not give in to the negative self talk, to swat away the minor inconveniences that rear their ugly head in a effort to thwart our plan to be great. No No, not today Zerg! We will get up, show up, dress up (or just dress) and be Betty Badass all day. That’s the new rule. No more albatross of Tuesday.

What’s your albatross? Needing more rest? Trying to lose weight? Better relationships with people? Need to make peace with someone? No matter your albatross, find the way that works for you to quiet the negativity that it brings with it. Tuesday WAS my albatross. I buried it today. What WAS yours.

It’s so clear now.

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Clarity comes at all times during our life. What’s important is to acknowledge the clarity and receive it.

Sometimes, it’s when you aren’t even looking for it, other times its those Ahh Haaa moments that make sense of certain behaviours that you may have. For me, it’s always at a moment when I need it but wasn’t looking for it but am glad that it showed up. I have worn glasses for roughly the latter or working portion of my life. Glasses have served 2 purposes as I have now come to realize. One of course to see where I am going or what I’m doing.

The second and most profound was to hide. Wow, That’s interesting right? Who wears glasses to hide? Well after much thought and counting all the pairs of glasses, both fashion frames, prescription glasses, now readers I would say, yes, I was definately hiding. From what or whom? My honest answer is everyone and mainly myself.

How is that you ask that I want to hide from myself? Let me share. As many of us when we have to start wearing glasses we get one pair and we carry on. Over the years of wearing glasses it got kind of boring with the same frames for everything. As I matured and started investigating things more, I realized that sure I could pay out of pocket for a second pair after exhausting my insurance benefits. Well, insert the melodius sounds of the heavens opening up. While no, this was not anything new or profound, it was a game changer for me.

Never one to rock the boat, or go against the grain when it came to things like fashion, or being to bold with colors (part of other issues) this gave me a few options. Then, hold on to your hat, I got contacts for the first time in my life at the tender age of 51. Insert a whole new world by Aladin. Most people get contacts to eliminate the need of glasses right…but no…not me. First thing on my mind was oh now I can get some fun frames…you know just for fashion, to accessorize to the fullest…or was it? Maybe at first it was because I had been in glasses so long I felt naked without them..yeah no.

I realized albeit some hundreds of dollars later, like recently that I was still hiding. I had become accustomed due to my failure to thrive in past relationships due to the need to dull my shine for him to glow (never again) that I was still in that mindset. Put your glasses on to see, but not to be seen. Does that make sense to you? It’s clear to me…like perfect vison. This is true, think about it, when you had a long crying night (ladies know what I’m talking about) and you still have to be a functioning member of socieity the next day, what better way to hide your eyes than…with your glasses on. Yes, it’s that line of thinking that had me hiding from what? or whom? Myself…sadly just from myself.

Why??? Why am I hiding? I allowed my, no I gave up, well, actually I put all of me into someone who didn’t do the same in return. I was so all about being his wife, while he was not that intrested in being my husband but, I couldn’t shine. The spotlight could only be on him, and so I hid. I became instead of an individual, I was “his wife”, with no identity of my own. That’s my fault, I gave myself away. I hid. Glasses, no smile, sadness and shrunken against the backdrop of the falsehood of what marriage was supposed to be.

So here I am again, time for a yearly eye exam, still can’t see so contacts we will try again, and 1 pair of glasses for the days the battle of the contacts goes to the contacts. I will no longer dim my shine for anyone else. I will no longer hid for the sake of someone else pretending to be great. Nope, no more extra glasses for me. Here I stand in my full glory, just me…seeing clearly, being free…

Just me!!!!

New Perspective, Who this???

Today I start this “new blog” as a testament of the growth I’ve made since my initial blogging efforts. Today I start with learning the actual fundamentals of blogging. How it works and how I will go forth and be great with the “new knowledge”. I write this blog from a happier place, a knowing of who I am, past the hurt that hindered me from being my complete and true self. Here’s to me and all that I am going to be.

A Change is Sure to Come…

Perspective is everything!!!!! It’s amazing to me that at 52 I am still learning things about myself. For example, using a different word in discussing a subject changed my entire outlook on a conversation I was having with my best good girlfriend.

I realized just the other night that I am just fine. I am not damaged, I have some baggage, an overnight bag but I put my jewelry box in the corner. We were having the discussion about are you caring an overnight bag or a suitcase. The word suitcase has a negative connotation for me, so jewelry box made it better for me.

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While that may not seem like a big deal for you, I realized that sometimes I have to find something that works better for me and that is absolutely ok. Something as simple as a word change made all the difference in my perspective on the subject. For me, suitcase was a negative term in that is represented to me the carrying of many awful things. Hurts, damages, traumas, denial, lack of knowledge due to age, failure to properly communicate and the infamous red flags. I had to realize that we don’t carry these things once we have dealt with them. They sometimes go away and sometimes they lessen but resurface with triggers.

Triggers come in various forms and we all have them. Right? Who knew. Even with that we have to learn how to cope or deal, conquer and overcome right? Not so fast. If it were that cut and dry we would all be living a care free, no worry life. However, we know that is not how it goes. We should all be skipping about, holding hands, giggling and enjoying unicorn farts that smell like our favorite childhood memories. That sounds amazing, now snap out of it because we know that is not how this plays out.

No, sadly, we are saddled with the burdens of life. Some of us start packing our suitcase earlier than others, traumas, abandonment issues, dysfunctional family issues. Then we grow up and pack our suitcases with the damage we accumulated along this journey called life. Mine had depression (since age 11 undiagnosed until my late 40’s), childhood trauma of abuse by a female family member, lack of communication with my mother, divorced twice before age of 28, not knowing how to effectively communicate. in a marriage, hell I didn’t know how to be married. My suitcase was full…

I am unpacking. Some of the big stuff I left at the therapist office on different trips to see her. They are safely tucked in the folds of the couch, under the couch or sprinkled about the room. I have had to unpack some of these things in the mirror. I had. to face myself and say, “I am not damaged”, “I am not tainted”, “I am worthy of love”, “I am enough”, and most importantly “I am complete.”

Unpacking is a tedious task but it’s rewarding. I am unpacking things that I didn’t even know I was carrying. Do you know how refreshing that is?? In being a newly single female after being married for 20 plus years, unpacking that suitcase is necessary and important. While the term Bitter Betty, may come to mind, I only own it a little bit. Yeah, bitterness is in the damn suitcase…that is just about empty. I want to set the suitcase on fire because I don’t want to lug it around anymore. I only want an overnight bag that has the essential items. Toothbrush, underwear, mismatch socks (cause that’s my thing), positive affirmations and my smile. Dat’s IT!!! I don’t wanna carry nothing heavier than 5 pounds.

As we prepare to spring forward tonight, I am looking forward to spring cleaning further my mental house and physical house. That suitcase may be sitting out for the garbage come Tuesday…

For a change is sure to come…and I am ready for it in all my magical glory!!!

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Sisterhood: Is it real when it’s not on Social Media??

Sister, my sister. My friend, my confidante, my ride or die, my keeper of secrets, my sharer of dreams. Why can’t we love each other or so it seems.

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You do know there is room for both of us to be great don’t you? We can both shine together my sister.

The hood of sisters goes beyond just those women we are born siblings to. I am talking about your tried and true circle of friends, that may include a birth sister however, not exclusive to that.

These are the women that have passed the ranks from acquaintance, associate, friend now Sisterhood. Everyone does not make the cut. For when the bar is raised from friend to Sister, you have to show that you are worthy of that title. A fish out of water will surely drown.

This sisterhood is plagued however by the same things that kill any relationship. Jealousy, lack of trust, selfishness and ulterior motives. Why is that though…why can’t we all just get along? We don’t want to, are we jealous, do we hate each other for real? No, not at all.

Then what the problem is? You tell me…why can’t we get along in real life? I mean we were all team pearls and chucks for the 1st VP that looks like us but why not any random Tuesday. Why are we so afraid to hold each other up and clap for each other. Unfortunately this is a rhetorcial question. There is no real answer.

I am not going to say that its always easy to support each other because we know that would be a whole lie. Some of us can be diffuclt I will not take that away, we can be and are sometimes bitter about life, and ourselves but does that mean we don’t deserve to shine? Not at all. It is my firm belief that we all can grow better together. There is room enough for us all to shine. We should all be willing to work together on this journey called life, while lifting each other up and straightening each other’s crowns.

Reflections of Christmas

As I sat in my house, listening to the quiet I thought back to last Christmas and how so very much had changed since then.

Not that long ago but yet at least 365 days ago my life was in a totally different place. I was in a space that was sad, dark and full of turmoil yet I knew that it was ending soon and the anxiety behind it all was overshelming.

2020 in and of itself has been a turmoltous year and varing aspects for everyone. However, if we do a personal inventory some of us will never be the same because of 2020. Loss of loved ones, incomes, things and people (so called friends.)

Relationships, being friends or lovers are hard enough without a pandemic. Some couple learned things about themselves and their spouces through this. Some of them made it and some didn’t it. I was ahead of the curve on this one and by grace, made some changes that would not follow me into 2020 and thankful for that.

Back to Christmas, which is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. I would say that a lot of people didn’t agree with that this year. If we think about what Christmas really means though, it was still in it’s own way for some wonderful and joyus. Those that dared still did what they wanted to do with whom they wanted to do it with. It ain’t our business. Others of us learned the art of Zoom calls and put that work in on Facetime, we made it work. Pictures were shared, texts and calls were given.

My personal reflection was part of a conversation with a dear friend.

I am a survivor of many things. I am a fighter but I hurt deeply. I can’t control what others do but I can control how I react. I have people that love me and for that I am greatly grateful. I am strong but sensitive and that’s ok. I am an over everything er (think, love, worry etc.) and that too is ok. I am beautiful and I’m funny. I am sexy fully clothed and I am uniquely and wonderfully made.

Why is that my Christmas reflection? Great question, thanks for asking. That is the best reflection of the greatest gifts I have given to myself. To be ok with not being ok, and it’s ok. To love myself in all my quirks, weirdness and in my skin as it is currently formed (weight loss and gain, can’t see without readers, still not as tall as I want but hey).

The best gift we can give are the ones we give to ourselves in allowing ourselves to be the best of ourselves unapologetically. No matter what that looks like for you. Ending or beginning friendships or other relationships, staying always true to ourselves in our feelings and in being true. Loving ourselves first by practing forgiveness to ourselves THEN extending to others (as applicable), saying how you feel, and not being afraid to speak your mind (it may start an argument or a very clear discussion, either way it needs to happen).

Lastly the gift of being thankful for each day as that is a gift from the most High and that is a gift not be taken for granted.