The date that haunts me. Learning to let go.

Most of us have things that have happened that we would like to forget but there are others of us that just like our birthday we have a knack for remembering the dates of events that shaped our lives, whether good or bad. That’s where I am today. Remembering dates I would love to forget. November through December are usually hard for me. My dad passed 42 years ago November 1, 1979 All Saints Day and it usually triggers my seasonal depression like clockwork. Then to boot November 11, Veterans Day signifies one of the many terrible days in my life as there a life altering moment with my then husband that may have changed the course of both of our lives unbeknownst to either of us.

So, November 1, I remember it so vividly. I don’t remember anything before that date as far as going trick or treating the night before, I was told I did though. I do remember passage of time from when he died until the last of the visits and prepared meals arrived. I remember the quiet of the empty house and the sadness that was there that was never discussed. The years that have passed since that 11 year old lost her father have been interesting to say the least. More sadness via loss of what was supposed to be love (marriages) other life issues, that come with just being here on earth. I didn’t realize until recently (within the last 4) years that I was depressed from this loss. Who knew? However to look back on it through non rose colored glasses, I see it all. Not that I want to forget the little I knew about my father or the few mere memories I have, I realized this year, I can’t continue to commemorate his passing.

That has only worked against me. My mother said once that I can’t focus on who is not here but should be grateful for who is. While she may have said that in her feelings, she is right. I have lived this way for the last 42 years. Its time to let him rest and rest in peace. I can celebrate his birthday right, not when he died. It’s weird to me in a way because this year I didn’t do my long Facebook post of how I missed him, yada yada yada. Here’s the thing, I survived it. I have to laugh at myself because I believed or felt it was my duty, my job to do that…but why?

In my mind if I didn’t remember him who would? My sister was 7 when he died and from the way it appeared to me, (then as an 11 year old and much into my adult life) my mother didn’t care that much. I have come to know that Mom had her own issues in dealing but because as a rule, a stupid one I will add, folks don’t talk about things that hurt them. Parents of my time and my community didn’t believe that it was necessary to talk to their children about their feelings or thoughts or opinions (we didn’t have any of these unless our parents gave them to us, if you know then you know). Although it was a safety net for me. I could slide into my seasonal funk, no questions asked and be left the hell alone. Especially during holidays (which are upon on now) because I just didn’t feel like being bothered. I was sad, depressed and just not in the mood for people, family and ho ho ho. Go away!!!

It was safe there but it was lonely! Like for real loneliness in a stadium full of people. No more. I have made the decision, finally to exhale and not give in to my “safety net” of depression, it’s too much. I am fighting every day to stay above the grubby little hands of the darkness that tries to get me in the rabbit hole. Nope, nope, nope. Holiday time is hard enough and to self impose sadness is kinda crazy. So why be crazy if you don’t have to be? Stop it. So, we stop it. I know it’s not that easy but it’s a process I have been working on for quite some time and (kicking the door in) I am here!!!

What’s your zodiac sign..oh no? or who cares?

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“Hey, how you doing? What’s your name, what’s your birthday, what’s your sign?” OHHHHHH NOOOOOOO, not a (insert any sign of your choice), I dated one of them before and OH MY GOD…blah, blah blah. Yes, yes, we all have heard or told the horror story of a former love interest that fell under a zodiac sign that made you feel (as the kids say) a way. I too am guilty (hence this blog on this day at this time) of said offense and here we are. I caught myself before I made myself look like a jackass. Why is this the way things are done? Glad you asked. Here’s what I surmise. As the past mistakes we’ve made have us on high alert on what kind of people and situations we don’t want to get caught in again we make decisions on ALL PEOPLE we meet on certain things. Zodiac signs is one of them. You don’t have to follow astrology in the least bit to hear a certain sign or person’s date of birth to go oh no…I dealt with one of “them” before and automatically go to rule them out. Sigh, I again am guilty of such musings. I have just in this moment yelled at myself to write this blog and get my shit together because ALL PEOPLE OF THE SAME SIGN ARE NOT THE SAME!!! Yes it’s in all caps, no I am not yelling at you but at myself and you if it applies.

You see, it’s a defense mechanism to fall back into old habits, (not necessarily good ones) to avoid things that have caused you hurt in the past, yes that goes for people too. So I find out that this guy I am kinda sweet on is of a certain zodiac sign. Immediately insert the theme music from any show where you did not win the prize. Then I had to catch myself, no no no. We will not do that. So far there has been no indication that he is anything different than what he has shown you. Until the moment he told you what he was you didn’t know and it didn’t matter now did it. Yes, I am giving myself the business, because well I can. I had to stop and think about that because so what he was born on that day under that sign, he has not exhibited any things to raise any real red flags.

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I mean really, how can you be fretting about something based on what day and month a person was born??? I dare say it’s easy and people do it all the time. I however, will not, any more, well not gonna actively participate in this practice, nope nope nope…am I? I don’t want to. Is it hard to break old habits? Well yeah, but why? Why are we so consumed with how things COULD go without even trying to see it through based on just what it is at this very time and place???? Why are we so conditioned to make mountains out of molehills when we know that it’s not necessary? Are we all crazy? No, well, maybe but that’s not the point. We or maybe it’s just me that can honestly say that it’s hard sometimes to get out of your own way, get out of your own head.

I would like to think that I am of the age and mindset that a persons zodiac sign does not indicate that this current person will be like the assholes of the past. I mean everyone is made different right? Zodiacs signs are not exclusive to anyone being a jerk, nor totally inclusive that everyone born under that sign will be the same. I’m pretty much, no, I am totally talking to myself because I know that no one else goes through this right? Right…so get it together lady. Quit being jaded, enjoy life as it comes and until he shows you signs of being a narcist, liar, scumbag and loser then relax….yeah ok…I got my eyes on you sir of certain zodiac sign…..I am watching and listening closely….

Brutus – A Love Story…kinda

People let me tell you bout my best friend he’s a warm hearted person (not really) who’ll love me to the end. People let me tell you bout my best friend, He’s a cuddly toy my up my down my pride and joy (lyrics from The Courtship of Eddie’s Father. This song came to mind as I prepared to pen this post. I had to laugh cause well it’s funny to me.

This new love of my life, is named Brutus. He is the cutest little fella. He’s super soft and has these soulful brown eyes, I was smitten as soon as I saw him that Saturday in Ikea…Oh, wait, I didn’t mention the most important thing…he’s a stuffed golden doodle. Yes ladies and gentleman I am writing about a stuffed dog named Brutus.

If you follow this blog, I have told you about various parts of my life and so here is another layer. I have about 10 Build A Bears. All of them aren’t mine. A few are my grand bears left by their wayward mother (28) when she moved out. So I became responsible for them….as a good nana would. Then there are the other “children”, Teegan a doll, Jerome the giraffe, named after my best friend who passed years ago. There is Mari the Moose from Minnesota, then there is El E. Phant. El is the queen of the “children”. She is the one that demands order and rules the roost.

El became part of the family after a trip to Kohl’s some years back where she called to me from the tower she was on and suggested strongly that she come home with me. Ok…she was soft and cuddly and pretty demanding so home she came. El proved to be a most important member of the fur society that lives at my house. El was my crying partner during many times of sadness as my marriage went through various stages of unrest. When things became “stable” El was a fixture of the boudoir, yes, WE slept with her. Mostly me because she was now a safety net if you will. El is a world traveler as she has gone on some trips with us. Yes, I said what I said….the little stuffed elephant went with us. Judge your self.

As time has gone on, El has taken her place atop the bed where she can watch over me at night. The tears are not as frequent and therefore I don’t need her to comfort me through a bad night. NOW, enter Brutus on the scene. Brutus I realize has a different purpose and role to play. Brutus is here as my happy companion. He makes me smile so hard. He is here to share the good times. We have laughed a lot in the week he’s been here. He has a fancy collar and loves the thought of having some clothes (not yet acquired). Brutus is a name that means (to me) strength and toughness. That’s what we are (more so me but he thinks the same applies to him). Brutus likes to be near me in the kitchen when I’m in there he sits on the breadbox, he kept me company last Thursday when I worked from home. He’s funny (I can’t tell you what we talked about – its our business) but he’s a riot.

As I lay in bed last night, I looked at he and El and El gave me permission to let her go (only to the top of the bed – she knows too much she can’t leave the house). Brutus is my new happy place. I smile when I see he, and Brenda the Christmas tree (another story). Smiling is good for your heart, your soul and your face. So as I pen this piece I smile knowing that this chapter of my life while being by invitation only is also going to be tear free as much as possible. Not only that but it definitely be filled with more laughter and love because I deserve it all. If it starts with a stuffed dog named Brutus….then let it be. Woof Woof

Holding on until….

Well Shit!! When I tell you that sometimes I even amaze myself. Ok, well I am amazing, lol but sometimes I move in ways that take even me by surprise…who knew. So, here’s what I know today. We are the masters of our own universe. That’s it. We have to decide what is or isn’t going to work for us in our lives. Sometimes, well maybe its just me, ok mainly it’s just me however, I am slow to the gate. ALWAYS!! So with that being said, let me elaborate.

I’ve said this before about myself and it’s sad but it’s true. I am a holder-oner (yes it’s a word; ok maybe I made it up) of things, people and situations. Unfortunately, it has not yielded me any real positive results. Go figure. Right, cause who does that . Well, I do…of course. These last couple of years have been the most eye opening time of my life. I made it to 53 on the prayers of my ancestors cause it appears I was lacking a plethora of knowledge. Ok, maybe not, perhaps I am as I stated before a late bloomer…and that’s okay as long as I learn the lesson right? Precisely. Today’s lesson boys and girls goes a little bit like this.

You can not recreate a first time. Once the moment has passed, the opportunity is missed and things aren’t ever the same again.

Case in point.

I was supposed to attend an much anticipated and hugely talked about event. All the things were in place, the stage was set; however, once it was time for the event to begin, the star of the show failed to deliver.

Let me set the stage.

This event had been planned and prepared for almost a year. Not a haphazard or thrown together event. Strategic and methodical planning; it was going to be mind numbing. What a disappointment with the failure to launch. Now, let me say this, the planner knew in advance of the show, any and all things that may cause any discord in the performance of said event. It was all good, until it wasn’t. That was a kick in the face. In my hurt, and my sadness with the let down of the event not taking place, I shut down. My hurt revolved around the fact that for over a year the planner was aware of a particular issue with a major piece of the set and that was information that had been shared early on in the planning stages of making this production work – it was to be epic.

So in turn, I turned off all channels by which the event planner could reach me. I would not deal with you after you let me down in such a colossal way after this event was so talked up. I was expecting great and mighty things. Insert Price is Right sound when you lose the prize. Yeah it was like that.

That was November of 2020 (the year that was already a shit show) so I don’t know what I was expecting to go right that year. Fast forward spring 2021, I decide that I would reach out to the event planner to see if we could figure out what went wrong. We talked briefly about the lack of proper communication and how to get back on track. Well, as things go sometimes you want to try again, a do over if you will. Great, lets do that? Sounds good in theory.

Until…

Until you realize that this event has missed it’s time to shine. There are some things well, maybe most things, that once you have missed the mark, you might not be able to back track to get that particular event back on stage. It’s a mute point, there is no need for discussion and we can’t nor should we try to go back to the point in time where the feelings regarding this event were, whatever they were cause the Thrill is Gone, said in my B.B. King voice, the thrill is gone away. Here’s the piece and the peace; realizing that some things are not meant to be no matter how hard we want them to be. Read that again, I’ll wait…

Yeah, suck as it may here is my take on missed opportunities. Once it’s gone, it’s gone and sometimes once it’s gone it need to stay gone. You see, people make time for the things that they deem important. You don’t travel all day to get to a destination only to turn around and leave without seeing the destination. Who does that? Not many, but this wouldn’t be written if it didn’t happen at all. Life has many twists and turns and opportunities, it is up to us to navigate the twists and turns and to maximize each opportunity because opportunities unlike people don’t always have a second chance to give.

I have made the conscious decision to not allow second chances on missed opportunities when it comes to my life; you only get one time (anymore-now that I finally had enough) to make me cry, to push me away, to hurt my feelings, to give me your ass to kiss. Once that has happened it’s curtains for you. The deal is sealed and the fat lady has sang. It’s a wrap. I’ve held on to people much longer than any human should ever in the worst of situations. I have reacted poorly to other situations and failed to communicate my feelings, wants or needs adequately in other situations. Here’s the take away….I learned how to be better at that. I have learned how to listen with my ears and my heart. I have learned to breathe and not knee jerk and run at the first sight of danger, inconvenience or comfortability. I have also learned that in the event that the aforementioned things do happen it is fitting and proper after realizing you may have overreacted (again) to apologize (again) and hope for the best.

Hold on to the things and people that matter, the rest are just taking up space and using your good energy and you don’t really fulfill a purpose with them nor they with you, let them go. It’s not to say that you can’t maintain a ‘ship of some sort it just may not be the one you wanted or hoped for. You can’t make someone love you the way you love them. It may be best to either cut the ties completely or if applicable and doable without emotional trauma change the trajectory of what you thought this ‘ship was going to be.

Either way, don’t hold on to anything or anyone that would not be willing to do the same for you. Hold on until, you can’t hold any longer, then….let that shit go

Pick your pain!!!

Listen to me Linda’s and Larry’s!!!! This piece was born out of a dope conversation while I was out being grown on a Tuesday night. A school night. Lol. I won’t lie, when the gentleman I was talking to said that, I was suddenly inspired. Pick your pain. These three words had just summed up my recent and new found freedom I just acquired through much work on this journey called life. My personal journey is called Being My Best Self Ever.

In doing this and walking this path, I realized that in this area where I still had not yet gotten closure and I was stuck, not just stuck but was slightly paralyzed. I was in a place where I saw that I needed to do just a bit more work to be Free (shameless plug to one of my latest podcast Discussions by Drea simply called Free) from one major source of my pain. Sidebar: as I was in preparation of writing this piece I was sent a book title to read, This History of Scars by Laura Lee. Here’s what I know about how things work; that was not an accident.

This book came out the gate double barrel firing. The author narrated this story of her life and the PAIN, she endured. Now unbeknownst to me as I started this book was that it would tie all of this latest stretch of my journey all together. As she laid out in her book she had been in pain. Family drama and trauma, a suicide attempt, failed relationships and lastly a diagnosis of schizophrenia which then made it all make sense. Instead of my lightbulb coming on mine did that thing a bulb does right before it goes out. Boom!!! This book had so timely laid out all of the things that I had been slowly putting together, via blogs, podcasts and those moments that I talk to myself in the mirror, playing the what if game.

It was at this moment I realized that I was at the end of this part of my journey. I had come to the part where I no longer was held by the pains of my past. I had come to the end of that road. I was graduating, moving the tassel of my cap from right to left. What a time what a time. Much like the author in this book I too had been over a number of years tapping into my personal struggles; failed marriages, depression, sexual abuse, depression, anxiety and questionable relationships with family. When I tell you the exhale was huge and cleansing, it was all of that.

It was my message, strict confirmation from the universe, that it was in fact time to move on. I didn’t have to wonder if I was worthy of love, because yes, yes I am. I didn’t have to question why I was treated the way I was, some of it was my own undoing for my failure to heal my own brokenness, the other was being in relationship with another broken individual who had yet to deal with his own issues. The anxiety and depression twins may stay with me for the rest of my days and I’m oddly ok with that because they keep me from falling too far into the dark place. The dark place is real. It is a painful place but, as long as you can see the light you know that there is a way out. Recognize your triggers and how they work. The pain from triggers is a different type of situation because you don’t always see it coming and then boom, hit in the face with a brick. Emotional pain is a hell of a thing. Physical pain is one thing but emotional torture from the inside out is a pain of indescribable proportions and it’s one of those things no one can help you with but you.

Pick your PAIN!!!! Let that marinate in your spirit. I’d be writing for days if I went through all the scenarios where I had to pick the thing that was going to take me out in that moment. Just too much honey. Too damned much. PICK your pain, this or that. These or those, that one or those three…pick it!! There are episodes in our lives, where we are just beyond the point of no return. The pain that we endure can hit us when we least expect it and it will hit us with a force that is so unbearable we believe at that very moment you are on your way to meet your maker, then you realize it’s not quite time yet…so what do you do? Fix your life!! Pick YOUR pain.

They loved me until they didn’t! An Ode to the family life after break up or divorce!!

This blog while like my other writings is meant in lightheartedness but full of truths. Now, let me start by saying that this is all about how I see what happened in the wake of the end of my marriage with my former husband.

The family unit consisted of mostly women. He had 4 sisters, a bunch of nieces, cousins, great nieces you get it…a bunch of estrogen. Strong family in that they may fall out with each other but don’t you dare cross them cause it would be curtains for you. The family was a gang, I swear it was. I used to tease that the only way out was to be jumped out or to die. Well, I kinda took the later way out, not by choice but by virtue of ending my relationship with him. That decision rendered me DEAD and quickly. I was dumb enough to believe that I would maintain a relationship with these women after it was all said and done but as Maury said that was determined to be a lie. I even thought that by inviting them out to lunch to tell them first that it was over between he and I that would keep me somehow in their good graces…NEGATIVE, NANCY. Little did I know I was being cancelled right at that moment. As time moved on it became clear that I Rudolph was no longer invited nor welcome at the reindeer games that were hosted by the family. Now, let me backtrack a little and say this. I don’t know why I expected anything different than what I got. Blood is thicker than mud my momma always says. I dumbly figured that 20 years in this family rendered me a spot at the proverbial table. Shiiiiittttt, they burned the table and threw my chair in the dumpster. I was OUTTA THERE!!!! Like a strike out at home plate. I felt do dejected. It was a strange set of emotions. I was all over the place with ending my marriage because even though the shit was over long before I finally said it, he was hurt. Uhhhh, what’s happening here? How you hurt by something you set in motion??? How you get to play the woe is me card when you know good and damn well you stop trusting me when I did to you what you did to me?? Please explain to me how that works sir? In my effort to make things ok I offered for us to maybe date after he got the hell out of this space we shared that he did not want…even better right?? So how the hell am I the bad guy here? Well as it became more apparent that I was clearly cut off from all things family, I realized that I was probably the villain in his version of the story. Funny how that works. The worse part was that for 20 plus years that was my family. I moved here to be married to him and they took me in and made me theirs and now, now here I stand deserted and thrown away like yesterday’s leftovers!!!! Damnit man. Talking about feeling abandoned, thrown away and kicked to the curb. Yes, my feelings were hurt. I was sad, there is one niece to whom I have maintained a relationship. Even that came with a bit of strife due to another situation that was born out of issues that had nothing to do with me. However, that further confirmed and set in stone that I would not longer be part of this familial relationship. Yes, I’m that person sometimes I have to hit my head 5011 times to get the obvious message. Stubbornness and experience are my go to’s for great teachings.

So, as I pen this correspondence that was born out of a conversation with my best good sista friend it becomes clearer that family is who you choose and it’s more than and absolutely better than folks that have to deal with you because you married their sibling. My family now consists of the people that I have acquired before during and after my failed relationships and the people that love me and let me be me. In all of my quirkiness, brattiness and stubbornness. I am a hot head to a small degree but certainly a knee jerk reaction but then after I think about it calm down and apologize type person. Having said all that I can ask for forgiveness if I have wronged you. I also realize that everyone is not meant to stay in your life always. Not just in-laws but friends and some family too. After the love is gone. Man, it’s not easy to sometimes see that the love you thought you had was situational anyway. Thank GOD for vision, no matter how late it comes. As long as you get it before life is over you win.

Love…what is it all about anyway? Do we really know? I will say this about that. I don’t believe in my 53 years of life that it’s been my pleasure to have met this thing called love. Don’t get me wrong, I know that my children love me, my momma and sister. Some cousins maybe and my real friends. I have not had the pure and unconditional love of a man though. Knowing what I know now I don’t believe in my heart of hearts that I have ever been loved the way that God intended for me to. I was in a marriage where there were times that love was present but it was never pure, it was never real or genuine. That’s sad to say and it feels even worse but I do however believe that it’s true. I look at relationships of those around me, and I see things that were never present in my relationships and while it’s sad, it’s okay; there is a matter of understanding that it wasn’t my time. To be honest, it may never be my time… and that too has to be okay. After the love is gone. What a statement. What a realization!!!!! Love….what is even that????

Straight from my heart

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I have had more ah ha moments in the last year or two that I wonder sometimes if I had them sooner how much different my life would be. Then I realize or have to admit, I wasn’t ready for it then, like I am now. I would not have appreciated the journey that I have been on since June 2019 to present had it arrived prior to then. There were too many things (people and situations) standing in the way of what is now clearer vision. The fact of the matter is, and mind you this is all just in the world according to me, we are not always ready for what we think we want or are seemingly requesting that the universe send us post haste.

I don’t pretend to know everything but the little that I do know about what I know is that this journey called life is not a walk in the park. Jurassic Park maybe but certainly not a park of daisies and butterflies. Yeahhhhh, no! It has come to my attention, that people don’t often come out and say what they really want in a relationship, situation ship, screw ships, whatever you might want to call it.

I have had the displeasure of finding out what that looks like at the onset. So, (twirling my hair), there was this guy….yeah whatever…this dude was obvious from the start. Leave out the non essential parts, it was blatant and obvious that he only wanted to as the kids say “smash”. You know, get the goods, hit and quit, horizontal mambo…you get the picture (goodness I hope so). Again, it was obvious to me but damnit…state your damn intentions please. He is younger than I and while age plays a factor with some things I don’t call it on this. As I was told in so many words I was nice to look at, pleasing to the senses and all that jazz. Sure, I will take a compliment but at some juncture those turn to very pointed (see what I did there) comments of my anatomy.

Stop it!!! Don’t objectify me. What is your angle? After much teeth pulling and arm twisting he finally admitted that he was looking for a “love friend”. What in the hell is that??? Well, its a nicer term than booty call. He wanted to be able to do the do without any attachment or commitment. Just something to do when you had time? Oh but he didn’t have time because he’s in school and just started a new job….boy BYE!!!! This song and dance could have and rightly so been over had that just been said up front. No, instead you want to pretend like you like me a little, wanted to get to know me, spend “time” but all you really wanted was to do the do. I politely declined that invitation and at the end he told me I was still cute though. Oh, Okay.

From that situation I was forced to reckon with the thought that you know what…it may just not be for you to have this thing called love. Talking to myself. Having the “talk”, you may just be riding this last leg of this journey on your own (insert Patti Labelle and Michael McDonald). I mean, don’t get me wrong, everything ain’t for everyone. Let’s face it. We have been told that falling in love is supposed to be this wonderful thing, No one said that you might fall in and then get pushed out, forced out, jumped out (as in a gang), die out which is okay but nonetheless, just because you are in it doesn’t guarantee happily ever after. I been married a total of 25 years, three marriages however, 25 years.

As I sit in my back yard penning this blog I am taking in all the quiet. A bird here and there, a train in the distance but it’s quiet. My mind is still and my heart is at peace. Why does this matter you ask? I’ll tell you. It is for the fact that I know in this very moment, I am at peace and I am complete in and of myself. While I don’t knock anyone that has a boo, husbae, significant other or special friend. I have come to the agreement with myself that if love or even deep like never comes this way again, I am in fact okay with that. Now listen, I do want a few things, a few more times before my number is called. I might be able to get those in with no strings attached. but even if not, I am at peace with that.

I believe that there is so much focus placed on being with someone and having that someone to ride off into the sunset with rather than normalizing that some of us are okay not being saddled with another human for the rest of our lives. Some are okay with causal dating and sex with no commitments. Normalize not making a woman feel less than if she is not married and doesn’t want children.

We need to listen to what our heart says versus what those around us say. I am learning to honor myself, my emotions and my feelings without having to consider someone one. All to often we lose ourselves in relationships and we forget or put what we want, need, desire and like on the back burner. Nope, no more, nope nope nope. I choose me over anyone else first, last and forever more. Our hearts are strong and resilient and with our without anyone else we are whole and complete. My heart is full as I conclude this because I started in one place but where I have ended is so much greater than where I started. I am speaking straight from my heart, that is healed and is in agreement with my brain that we are fine just the way we are. Love is still a great thing to have but even without it from a special someone, life is still good.

How To Fix My Broken Soul?

Just because it’s broken doesn’t mean its damaged forever.

My writings have become more than just a release of pet up frustrations and random emotions. As with this very writing I find myself freely without reservation being willing to go inside of the most dark places with candles and flashlights, lamps and night time vision goggles to expose all the shadows that haunt me even when the sun is out.

Think about that!! How dark are these recesses that they can even over take the brightest of days? Dark as night with no stars, no moon, no visible resemblance of life-yours or mine. No one is anywhere at all. Darkness.

This desolate place doesn’t just appear. It’s made. It’s built from all the ugly that your life is made of and some of us have more than others. Some of us have buried this so deep that we live in the darkness not even aware that we are buried like a mushroom. Living under lies and shit in the dark in solitude. So, like many of my writings they are a means to unfurl some spider web of thoughts or concerns I have allowed myself to get into (half the time looking right at it) still managing to run straight into it eyes wide open. Look Drea, where are you going????

Let’s talk about how to fix a broken soul though. The definition of soul is an emotional or intellectual energy or intestate especially as revealed in a work of art; the immaterial part of a human being or animal regarded as immortal. Your soul consists of your mind, character, thoughts and feelings. Let that marinate for a minute or two.

That to me is quite a mouthful. So how would one break a soul in the first place? Well a few personal examples I believe are childhood trauma, sexual abuse, loss of a parent at an early age, skewed family dynamics just to name a few and those few are quite enough I’d say.

Just for grins and giggles let’s add failed relationships as an adult, strained relationships with a parent or sibling, lack of self esteem mixed with some undiagnosed mental health issues; depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and no idea where to turn. Sounds like a freaking recipe for sure disaster. It in fact is just that. Baked at 350 degrees for years and you have the perfect broken soul cake, a beautiful disaster.

Whew, where do you even begin with all of that huh? Who would even want to bother with that hot ass mess. My answer is Jesus!!! Who else is even equipped to deal in miracles of this magnitude. Silence -absolutely no one. Superman maybe? As it turns out, the only entity able to fix this mess is the mess itself. It’s true, Kind of like a self cleaning oven. Well Ok, I’m not sure of the specifics to how that works but it’s a great metaphor.

Much like the self cleaning oven, a person must look inside of themself to assess the damage. Simply put, figure out where to even begin cleaning up this shit show. As with most messes what’s fresh on the surface is never the true source of the issue. That’s when the hard work comes in to determine what the root cause is…usually working backwards to the beginning. What a task, It’s gotta be done though, Why? Thanks for asking, As it stands already we know that hurt people hurt people right? No one needs more hurt in their lives. I would dare say we have all had a freaking-nough!!! Let’s work on healing. While a painful process the end result is beautiful.

How do I know…I am the beautiful disaster spoken of. This blog is definitely all about me. I have felt that I was not worthy, not enough, not deserving of any love, decent relationship with a male counterpart, hell I believed that I was emotionally unavailable for my children. I was a whole ass mess. I have not issue with that admission because I now know better. I am better. I, along with much therapy, some meds, prayers of this who love me and countless bottles of wine came to some different findings and conclusions. What we speak into the universe it what we receive. We believe what our thoughts are. We are in control of a lot of things we go through and those things we don’t control there is help for that. Almost like there’s an app for that. That app is called therapy.

The minions are trying to run amuck, SAT DOWN!!!

Mind blown right.

It works though. However you need to do it, just get it done. Cry it out, shout it out, write it down, sing it out, whatever you have to do it’s better out of your head than running amuck. The crazy in my head are the purple minions from the movie Despicable Me. They are mean, and full of mayhem. They knock shit over, they set shit on fire, they break windows and they torment each other. That vision to me is funny cause well, its in my head and I can see it. I had to get them under control though. it was a ruckus daily and it began to be quite overwhelming. I had to be an adult and do the hard things, I had to admit some things OUT LOUD and call myself out on some of my thoughts and behaviors. Thats when the healing began, the timer on the self cleaning oven started. It’s a process to heal our soul but it’s a necessary process, it has to be done in order to grow and learn and love and be better.

WE GOTTA DO IT!!!!

There is no option; we have to break the cycle of being hurt and continuing to hurt others. Our souls are broken and we need to fix them. We need to heal those children inside that have been hurt and grown into these hurt adults. Heal the soul, fix the hurt. I am so glad that my soul is in a better place and those minions are pretty calm these days. I had to do a lot of work to fix my soul and lord knows I am the better for it. We must admit, talking about these issues is the only way to get closure and fix our broken soul. Maybe it’s just me that has a broken soul, I doubt it but to each his/her own. No matter what the end result is you must do what’s good for YOUR SOUL!!!!!

…and then it hit me.

I am perpetually late to the party. I am slow to hear or know music, or sayings or about new drinks…just slow sometimes but I’m okay with that. What’s not ok is when you are laying in bed and your think about the randomness in your life and you realize that you have three favorite colors. Random…but the epiphany.

So, I have a love hate, well more hate than love relationship with Tuesday. That’s another blog. Anyway, I was in the bed thinking about what I was gonna wear today, Tuesday. It’s really a great story about me and Tuesday (check out my podcast on Anchor; Discussions by Drea) and in my attempt to conquer this thing we got I have to get dressed on Tuesday. Not just shorts and a top but CLOTHES. For those of us working from home that is a foreign concept but it has to be on Tuesday. Yellow – never a color I thought I would embrace for myself but I had to laugh because I hadn’t realized that she had already embraced me and we had been friends for a long time.

Here’s what I came to realize. The color yellow is one of my most favorite colors and not because it looks good against my skin. Yellow is the color of the sun. I love the sun and the warmth it gives. I am a Leo and that is a sun sign, yellow embodies all things warm and cheery. While I haven’t always lived in this place of light and love now that I’m here, it makes sense that this where I was always supposed to be. Life experiences can change our color perspective. I had a dark phase, not just in my choice of favorite colors but the place I was in mentally. It was dark and ugly. Red was born out of this place. Now, red is also a color of power. Again being a Leo we are considered to have some power as the animal and strong personalities as people. Red is bold and daring, things I hoped to be, as I was not there …yet. Then there is gray. So versatile and subtle, bold and quiet. Grey ties the other two colors together for me.

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Why is this important? Glad you asked. I realized that my house exemplifies all of these colors and quite nicely I might add. The thing that struck me was that yellow is in my kitchen and my bedroom which are necessary rooms to have light and love. The kitchen well it’s where the food is…that’s happiness right there. My bedroom is where happiness should also be as when I slumber it should be well. The grey is called gentle rain…the yellow is field of daisies. What a great combo for a bedroom. The living and dining rooms are in shade of gray with red ceiling in the living room. It’s super cool. It is decorated in grays, with accents of yellow and red. I have my soft, my bold and my warmth, just like me. My colors are my personality traits.

The colors in our life are not by mistake or happenstance. They serve a purpose. Those colors we choose as our FAVORITE…have purpose and meaning. I am glad that I figured out what mine were and how they fit into my life. How my personality dictates which colors I am drawn to and how they make my life and my home who and what I am. Color – what’s yours?

A love letter to my biggest fan and critic. Me!

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My Dearest Self.

Hello. I pray this correspondence finds you well. I have been thinking about you and wanted to take the time to share some thoughts with you about you that stand out to me.

I want to first start by telling you I love you so much. I have watched you evolve and its been beautiful, like the lotus tattoo that you have. Little did you know that was not just something to get but something that would truly be part of your life story. Honey, I want to congratulate you on taking the leap I won’t say of faith but of sanity by walking away for that relationship that was no longer (although it hadn’t been for some time) fulfilling it’s purpose in your life. That was something huh? Yeah, but you did it. I can only suppose how scary that seemed until you actually did it and now look at you, all happy and peaceful and shit! I love it.

2020 was a bit of a mess for everybody and I can’t tell you how amazed I am that while you were still in the process of healing from that aforementioned situation, you managed to loose some weight (while others were taking on pandemic poundage) and not loose your mind. You held it down and continued to keep your wits about you. Do you know how proud I was to watch you work through what hurt you to come out stronger on the other side? Girl you did that!!! I also want to commend you on something you probably didn’t think much about but I noticed. You stayed consistent in being true to you. You had some deep and dope conversations with some great sister friends and had some spiritual connections that set your should ablaze. The most fascinating part about that was you then shared your knowledge to help a few other sister friends grow and adjust their crowns a little straighter. I’m surprised you didn’t hear me screaming for you. My pom poms lost all their hair I was shaking them so hard.

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You want to know what amazes me the most about you? Glad you asked. It’s your resilience sis. You’ve been down but never out, well that one time but that’s neither here nor there. Even when you thought you had it all together and tried to let your guard down just to be knocked down yet again. Even more when you thought a deeper connection of sorts seemed to be lined up in your sight and BAM, another false hope. You bounced back, slowly and with caution yet you kept going. It was amazing to see how you opened yourself up and even though it was disastrous, you cried a little well ok you cried a lot but you moved on, slowly again but still moving. You didn’t fall into that dark place that is so easy for you (and countless others) to slip back into, and I am so proud of you for keeping the light on like the Motel 6.

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My constant prayer for you is that you continue on this quest for life. That you continue to love endlessly, (even though we agree men suck; sometimes the right way, lol), believe once again in fairytales, and know that if all that fails, you still got me. I am here to listen, help you cry, dry your tears, cuss a lot, drink some wine, eat some food and when the day is done to hold you and rock you to sleep. You my girl, are my shero!! You inspire me everyday to be better than the day before. You have shown me what being a grown up looks like. It’s showing up regardless of how you feel, its pushing forward when it’s easier to just fall apart, it’s supporting your sister friends not because you have to but because you want to and you are always there to support your sisters, sometimes without them asking (you can be bossy sometimes).

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May you always dream bigger, love harder, hug longer and never forget how dope and amazing you truly are. I love you and that’s forever. If you need me I am always close, hammer in hand ready…to hammer a nail or something. Stay strong and stay true to you, my love; you got this.

Forever your biggest fan,

Me.