Life is an adventure done right, it only needs to be once. We all have a past, skeleton collections and bad decisions. Yet, we move on, ask for forgiveness and forgive ourselves. In the quiet moments of the day we reflect. If it hadn’t been for that, this wouldn’t be. If I hadn’t hurt her, then I wouldn’t have been able to see this. I was an ass so this is what happened because of that. There is a cause and effect for our actions. Not every denial is a defeat. Not every no is final, sometimes it’s just a long pause- a hold on just a moment there are 15 calls ahead of you. Impatient people hang up, sometimes however it’s worth the wait. The greatest moments in my life have come from hurt, heartbreak, despair and betrayal. I am today from those moments of clarity. The ability or growth to step back, assess the situation and hold! Hold on to those things worth fighting for. When the new day comes and you can look at the big picture you see it better. Clarity and perspective are worth the wait.
Twas the eve before Christmas and all through the pad not a creature was stirring , we were all mad!!! The wine was all gone, all the glasses were dirty, it was now 7:00 and the liquor store closed at 6:30.
When up on the roof there arose such a clatter we were all drunk so it really didn’t matter. Then came down the chimney this cat in a suit, carrying a bag full of possible loot. His suit was bad he was casket clean, this dude was sharp if you know what I mean.
He said not a word as he prepared the scene – he had bottles of Remy and some good ole Jim Beam. He poured some shots and set them ablaze and we began the familiar phrase.
Merry Christmas to all and too all a good night. Now pass me a drank, let’s get turnt tonight.
Now that Thanksgiving is over, it’s Christmas all day all the time. Black Friday, small business Saturday, Cyber Monday and Giving Tuesday….ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Make it stop. There have been Christmas things in certain stores since July. WHYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!
What burns my biscuits about this particular holiday is the slow methodical way they force feed you Christmas trees, sales, and subliminal thoughts all before Labor Day. Not to mention the peer pressure of buying the perfect gift for people you don’t even like, why, it was on sale!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Now I must share that I have not been a fan of holidays since November 1, 1979. All Saints Day. So for years, even this one, I wished that we could simply by pass the months of November and December and go straight to January. I mean when your dad dies at the begging of the month most things after that kinda don’t matter. To boot, little asshole Herman Swift in my 6th grade class informed that that I was so mean that was why my father died. ASSHOLE!!!! Yeah, I might to revisit my therapist about that. It still pisses me off. I digress.
So holiday season, from right after Halloween is done, literally then it’s Christmas on steroids. The music, the lights, the decorations, the ugly sweaters, hot chocolate and fireplaces with fuzzy socks. Don’t sound so bad huh? Well, it’s not but well it’s a little lopsided. While there are those of us who like that kind of thing there are those of us that simply go through the motions of this holiday cheer, fa la la la la and ho ho ho. Outside of the religious aspect of it all (cause we won’t get into that) it would appear for some that folks are a little nicer, thoughtful and maybe just willing to be a little happier (in the spirit of it all), hence my question. Why can’t we keep the same holiday cheer all year round?
I believe it’s because people use this time of year to make amends for being jack asses and mean ass people all year. So they buy the gifts, and hold the doors and say Happy Holidays and let you in their wold for just a little while. Once the tree comes down and the last pine needle has been swept up, it’s back to being a jerk. Cutting people off in traffic, being rude, no longer singing carols of chestnuts roasting but threatening to cut off someone’s nuts. So you mean to tell me out of 12 month period we can only be kind to one another for 2 of them? Bah Humbug indeed.
So I have proactively been working to reverse the 2 month holiday cheer to all year round. I try to be a little nicer daily, in my job it’s necessary when dealing with people with cancer that may be on borrowed time anyway. In my relationships, friend, wife, daughter, niece, cousin because it’s the people around us that we sometimes treat the worse not on purpose but out of oh, you know I was joking. Or you know I didn’t mean it like that. Well, here’s what I know.
Christmas time can be all year, if it truly lives in your heart. How bout we try collectively to live each day as if we are in the holiday season. The one that brings us closer together for no other reason than just because we are being festive. We can be festive all the time right? Practicing a little patience, being a little kinder than necessary, maybe not the ugly sweaters and fuzzy socks in the summer but certainly other practices could be done year round. Smiling at strangers, holding doors, just being a damn decent person.
So do me a favor, once the tree is down, and the garland no longer is scattered about, we can still say hello to our neighbors and take the time to do nice things for others. It may not be Christmas all year but we can certainly stay in the spirit more than 2 months a year. I bet you can do it. Let’s give it a try.
As we embark on the holiday season where it has been agreed upon by the powers to be at some secret meeting, that it is ok to overindulge for the next two months. Before I type another word, this post is purely about me and my perspective on weight. This is not to shame anyone who might read this or share it. Now, let’s continue.
As an almost 50 and fine year old, let me just say that my thoughts on food especially during the holiday have changed severely since I started weight watchers. Well, 9 years ago then off and on to present day.
I decided to write about this because my motto going in 2018 is I will not be fat and 50 so I restarted Weight Watchers. Let me just tell you, it’s not as easy to loose this shit as it is to gain it. I lost 50 pounds 9 years ago…took a while but all but 5 pounds I found again. It was proportioned a little different the second time around since I was on some medicine that made you gain water weight and then eat everything that wasn’t nailed down or that couldn’t out run you when I started 9 years ago. Now, it wasn’t for the people that saw me everyday, no it was my great aunt who lives in Cleveland. By way of my mother I received a message that my great aunt and uncle were in a pretty heated discussion and the bottom line was “she’s my niece, I can say what I want and she is too pretty to be carrying all that weight”. Well damnit, if Bea said so then it must be true. So I decided that I didn’t want to be fat and 40 and 40 wasn’t optional were the exact words I spoke to the leader of the meeting who oddly enough shares a name with my mom. I felt it was supposed to be.
Life happens and with that comes ups and downs, (weight and otherwise), relationship woes, family strife, eating more than a serving, finding out that wine is an acceptable meal. Then you kinda admit that the pants that fit just a few months ago must have shrunk in the damn dryer (it’s always the dryers fault). You honestly look in the mirror and well, you don’t see it in your face. No chipmunk cheeks. Your arms are okay, still muscular, a little old lady under hang as I call it. Then it gets real…where did all that back fat come from? Ummm, the muffin top is real man. So…what to do. I promised myself I would never again buy a certain size for myself because I have the tools to not need to do that.
So you get back on the wagon and start the program over. Then because you lack patience you stop again. Then you decide that doughnuts are acceptable for two meals (I loveeeeeee doughnuts) and then you have to have the talk with your doughnut loving alter ego also known as your self. So after some pouting and throwing away of cookies, we got back on the wagon this time for me. Not that the last time wasn’t for me but this time is different. I know how great it feels to lose weight and how I feel about myself, as an almost 50 year old, as a shorter woman with a big ole booty and how the weight shifts when you have those attributes. So here we are 10 pounds down and feeling great about the progress. Here’s what I know. We all have something we don’t like about ourselves. The only way to fix it is to do something only YOU can do. Don’t like your teeth, seek dental care, don’t like your hair, seek a hair professional. Don’t like your weight, lose some of it. No need in complaining about things only you can change. Some things take longer than others but one thing is for sure. You have to start somewhere. The end results may vary but you will never know how it ends if you don’t start.
Self-Esteem is very important and the sooner we learn to love ourselves for ourselves and not for the reasons society places upon us the happier we will be. With that we should also take care of ourselves better. Stop smoking, I know it’s hard but you are worth it. Wanna lose 20 pounds make some life style changes, eat half the sandwich, with a glass of water and eat the damn doughnut. Babysteps, slow but steady.
So my sister, the PHd, the business owner, the perpetual doing something that equates to doing too much for the rest of us issued a challenge. She decided to extend it to my daughter and I. I of course can’t always say no to a challenge depending on who extends it. As she is my only sister and she is bossy as hell of course I said what the hell. I don’t have a lot of vices, just enough to keep me honest so I said hmmmm, what could I do. Well since I was late coming to the Facebook game, I have certainly come to enjoy the fruits of the labors of those that post. The serious and the sublime, the woke folks and the ones that are still sleep I guess. The love everybody and the hate everybody sometimes in the same damn post.
I digress. So from October 30 through the end of the year, I am giving up the book. Facebook, my groups that keep me laughing, thinking about things dirty and adult like. I’m only in two really and my cousin is the damn administrator of one but a member of the other so he be trying to stifle my greatness. Ole buster brown. Anywhoozle I thought about it and I am going to use this time to do real stuff. Like this. Write on my blog, work on my poetry that has gone terribly by the way side since I met Mr. Facebook (my boo, my love, my source of daily shenanigans) and reading. I mean I did have to read the posts they didn’t talk so yeah that counts as reading right? Well, despite that I am going to read like real books. Hard back novels to increase my brain cells and vocabulary. Ughhh, I need to see one of my favorite, “That awkward moment when” or “that look on your face” posts. Those always give me life, make me laugh, contemplate whether or not I should finish reading this now or go back to work.
So I am doing the right thing by taking a break from it. Begrudgingly, I turn my back and walk slowly away from the one thing that kept me from doing multiple things on any given day. So you probably are asking, why in the hell did this need to be several paragraphs talking about going off face book? I’m glad you asked, although I don’t have a real great answer other than cause it’s my blog and I can say what I want. Ha, no but for real because I think as we grow into responsible adults sometimes we need to put down those energy drainers.
Those things we enjoy but gain nothing from. The little joys of life, like empty calories – you are still lacking something when you are done doing something although it didn’t amount to anything anyway. You wasted time and work productivity doing nothing. So in this hiatus I vow to be more productive in doing me. Work is work and you always get done the things that need to be done when they need to be done so that kinda don’t count. Being productive in being the best you is vital. It allows you to better for those around you, those that need you and those that are you. You are your greatest depositor of all things positive. You should be your biggest cheerleader in this game of life. You and only you are responsible for your own happiness. So why not bet on you! I did damnit, I’m gonna win.
Since I started this blog, I have found myself at peace. Peace is important when dealing with life as life in itself is full of other shit that can drive you batty. Today is Monday October 23rd and I must say it’s been sweet. No worries (at the moment of this writing). My mind is quiet and all is well. I know that in order to grow you gotta take the good with the bad, the ups with the downs, the wheat and the tare, the subliminal with the sublime. It works together. However, there are times where you want to remove one from the other for self perseverance sake. The bad is too much, the down is lower than you ever thought you could be – but you can’t. In the end it works out to realize why you had to take both – its call trial by fire. It tests the fiber of your being. It was another ah haaa moment for last night as I sat in the car and had a conversation with my husband. We fought hard through all our mess to not just stay married but to be married. That’s big shit for me. I am a runner, shit gets hot, I get OUT! This time was different…19 years that’s nothing to sneeze at. The stories to tell are awesome because it covers the above mentioned opposites. For that reason I can write this blog, stress free, mind calm, nerves good (anxiety meds also help) and breathing easy.
The storms of life don’t last always, sometimes one storm can last a long time but I believe it’s all in the way you hold your umbrella. I know, you are asking what in the hell are you talking about. Think about it…if you are one of those people that puts up an umbrella in the rain, when the wind is blowing the rain sideways then you have to know just how to position your umbrella so that you don’t get soaked and your umbrella doesn’t get turned inside out. You hunker down put your shoulder against the wind and push your way through. Marriage is like that…square up your shoulders and move forward. Sometimes easier said than done but doable, if you want it bad enough you can weather the storm and enjoy the rainbow after the storm has settled.
♥♥♥♥Love♥♥♥♥ What a beautiful thing….yeah ok. Let me tell you bout this love thang. Shit is overrated. Now don’t get me wrong…well just listen then see for yourself.
So when I started this blog it was out of the need to free myself from anger, hurt, frustration and I just really needed and wanted to write that day. I have allowed myself to be transparent in this forum and not just to blast my husband or embarrass myself because neither of those things matter. What matters is if I can help someone with a what not or what to do glimpse of the real shit that happens in marriages that last. Or what happens in marriages that don’t last but here is the shit that really happened that you might only get one side of. Real shit. True story from real people that lived it. Now having said all of that I will move on.
Now, Tuesday October 10th will be our 19th wedding anniversary. 22 years together total. To say we have overcome and come this far by faith is like saying King Kong was a large ape. This shit was work and it was ugly, down on your hands, up in your face, voice quivering, ugly cry, screaming and shouting work. I won’t kid you that shit sometimes gave me a rush cause I was ready to fight, (when he cheated), when I did it I needed him to (as he told me) get over it. See how already this could be exhausting. Moving on.
So I decided to blog ahead of the date so that I wouldn’t be caught up in the moment. While the moment is good there is a long road to getting to that moment.
I won’t tell you, wait, yes I will tell you that I for real could not have imagined that where I am right now is where I would have ever seen myself be. I have come to accept that I did not have any ideas of grandeur when it came to marriage. I don’t have a picture of where I saw myself or how I envisioned it would be. Clearly, not. Hell I married my childrens fathers (both failed, 1st marriage young and had no earthly idea what the hell was happening, 2nd marriage he drank too much colt 45 and we either had a great night or he wanted to get physical and that was not on any list real or imaginary of what was going to happen) and this this dude, (who cheated, I cheated) and we still together…wtf?
Obviously, there are no set rules to this thing nor are there any set deal breakers. You decide what is or is not a deal breaker for you. For most or at least many cheating is at the top of the list, until you actually deal with it. Hence 19 years. We dealt with it, now I may look stupid to you, or be a foolish person or a simple dumb ass. I get that not everyone can or is willing to get in the trenches to fight for an albeit failing marriage but I am not most people. I promised God that if He blessed me with a husband that would provide stability for me and my child then when shit got hard I would not run. I walked fast a few times, but I didn’t run. I have stayed true to my word. That ladies and jungle jims (inside joke funny as shit) is my WHY! God never promised this life would be easy nor did he promise that everything would be smooth like warm butter on freshly baked bread (I might be hungry) but He did say that if we believed in Him that this trials would come to make us strong. I could lift a house with the strength I’ve gained let me just tell ya!
My mother used to say or still does who knows she talk a lot sometimes, that Love is what it does. I didn’t understand that until I got older and then I’m like well that’s some bullshit. Love don’t cheat on their spouse or cause hurt harm and danger. True, but people do. People do things out of stupidity or not thinking they will get caught and or greediness. Mine was retaliation. You hurt me, I hurt you…side note – not worth it. Just don’t do it. It blew up like a egg in the microwave – made a damn mess. To each his or her own but allow me to be your example. My reasons for staying were bigger than my reasons to leave. Promise to God, maybe the only one I actually ever kept. That’s huge!! You know you promise, Lord if I ever get over THIS hangover I will never drink again – Lies! Lord if you get me out of this bad relationship I will turn my life over to you and wait on you to send me a mate – Lies! Lord, if I get out of this speeding ticket I will slow down – Lies! See my point. I picked the largest promise to keep and I am glad I did. Let me pause for the cause and state that there was some selfishness to this as well. Transparency moment. I have a home, that I am the boss of, 19 years, Half Eddie! (Eddie Murphy Raw joke), I worked to hard to walk away now, and I have learned some valuable lessons in staying.
I won’t bore you with them but I will share if you like, just ask me. One I will share is that if you really, I mean really want to succeed at something you must be willing to fight for it. You must be willing to allow yourself to be uncomfortable and in the eyes of others (which I am glad to say I give Zero Fucks about) look foolish, stupid, like a damn fool. Alladat. As the saying goes, because at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. It’s your life, your love, your heart, your relationship, your family, friend loved ones (who took up for his ass, questionable loyalty) and made you have to rethink and reassess EVERYTHING you thought you knew.
One last story. My great Aunt Bea when I told her about the initial infidelity stated very simply to me. Just stay with him. He loves you and he didn’t mean it. You could leave but think about this, you could get someone worse next time. Initially I thought, well what the fuck Aunt Bea. That’s the worse advice to give somebody…what!!!!!!! As the years have gone by, she was right. Cheating while not pleasant is not by far the worse thing a spouse could do…it’s certainly not the best but not by far the worse. Just remember, your deal breakers are for you to figure out. Not your friends, who may or may not even be married or happy they damn self. They are your friends and love you but the end result of your choices are yours and yours alone to have.
So I conclude with happy anniversary to us. The fighters who stuck it out despite the odds, odds we placed on ourselves. Third time is certainly looking to be the charm. Here’s to 19 more. with a lot less drama…I hope.
When I tell you this year has been the most intense when it comes to the above statement. You have no idea how that comes into play until it actually comes into play. February 2017 will go down as the scariest month of out entire time together. Outside of the affairs, fighting, hard times financially, taking care of a sick husband is a hard thing to do. Not just sick but on the brink of death – literally.
To go from just my hip hurts, to I can’t walk, to you have MRSA, to your oxygen is dangerously low, to needing a few days in ICU. That sequence of events is not for the faint of heart and most certainly not for anyone not sure if they actually love their spouse enough to stay with them through it. To watch you husband tell jokes while the rapid response team is posted around his bed and all you can do is cry – that shit was awful.
9 days in the hospital, sidebar – that bill was the biggest bill I’d ever seen in my entire life. Anyway, that was just the tip of the iceberg. When you have to hold up a man in the shower because he can’t stand. Emptying urinals and buying home health care aids for your not that old spouse is humbling. Life happens so fast and you never know what might be coming down your street. Stay ready. Not get ready but stay ready. You ask how do you stay ready for things you can’t possibly expect to happen? Stay in prayer, open communication with the person you love about random things that can become not random but real. Real and real fast.
so it’s said that it is super important that we take care of ourselves. In order to do that you have to be willing to admit that you might have an issue or two or multiple. Having said that I have recently had to do some self reevaluation and do some self improvement. Well I guess you can call it that, thinking that that sounds like I got a boob job. Nothing of the sort however I would like a tummy tuck if I could swing it. Anyway, the hard reset was the first phase, a big chop something that I have always wanted to do. Then I decided to rejoin weight watchers, yes I realized that I didn’t want to be fat and 50 so I decided to start now as it takes longer this go round to loose it than it did nine years ago. So we start over to do what we did nine years ago, loose some weight and feel better about myself. On top of the physical the mental is in line to get together as well. I don’t know about you but having anxiety is real shit. I learned through some therapy that I was dealing with depression and anxiety. I was medicated for a while and thought once I changed jobs and my life seemed to not be in obvious shambles I decided to wean off. It was okay for a while, then well life happens. Car accident in April, marriage shake up in June, sick husband again and just plain ole sick and tired of the shit. So I did the responsible thing and went to the doctor and revisited the anxiety meds again. She agreed and I already can feel the difference. People poo poo on seeking help and meds for matters of the mind but I tell you what, I’d rather be on the meds than not. Nobody likes that Drea.
Went to church today like not online but the actual building and boy did Jesus meet me there. I went last week too on Saturday which was great but today…was different. He started right out the gate with “Hey you, yes you, YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE HIM”. Of course I’m like “well I thought I did…guess I didn’t completely – again.” How many times do we forgive the same offense? From what I understand, continuous. Now, with that said I am not one that forgets easily so I may have a hard time with forgiveness based on the fact that I don’t forget. This is all the wacky world according to Andrea so don’t take this as gospel. Life is hard man, adulting is super hard and being a responsible adult who has been hurt and is supposed to forgive several times for the same damn offense is asking a whole damn lot. Right? I’m right aren’t I? This is too much forgiving right?
Apparently not. As we are all sinful in nature and screw up daily to which we should be asking God forgiveness is it not the same principle. Ughhhhhhhhh, adulting = hard shit!!! (sorry to cuss and use God in same paragraph but ummm, this is who I am) Forgiveness asked. So, to further complicate the forgiveness process in my head I would need to go back and tell the once thought forgiven person that I forgive you yet again for hurting me yet again. That sounds redundant but I guess it’s necessary. How many of us are carrying hurts and baggage that we need to let go? Oh just me, okay. Well I am this day doing what I gotta do to start a clean slate, fresh start, HARD RESET. I will forgive yet again, sidebar but not really. Did you know or ever hear that sometimes you have to forgive before you even get a damn apology? Who does that? Yeah, yeah I know that’s crazy but now kinda makes sense because you could be waiting for the second coming before you get an apology from the following: those who don’t believe they owe you one, those that don’t know they should offer you one and those who just ain’t gone give you one.
Now I want to emphasis this little gem, just because an apology is offered does NOT mean you have to accept it. Again, this is all ME, this is my theory, thought process and method of operation I don’t speak for the masses but felt that should be addressed. It is the belief of most people that if someone say’s sorry or I apologize that you have to accept it right? I call bullshit on that theory. I have my own reasons why but I just don’t believe you have to accept it in all cases.
So my to do today. Offer forgiveness yet again, for being hurt one mo time by the one that says he loves me more than anything. I know that my attitude dictates the direction of my life whether is goes forward, backward, sideways or upside down. In order to do better one must live better or vice versa or none of that. Either way it’s all a personal decision and up to you how you handle it. I am choosing to win. I am choosing ME. I am choosing to buckle up and ride a little long on this crazy ride called life. I am tired, worn, weary but I know that it ain’t over til it’s over. Strapping my helmet on tighter to run a little longer. Here we go…